parenting styles in psychology

i find that parents a lot of times use guiltand shame as a way of feeble attempt to motivate their kids to do better. and for a lot ofreasons that doesn't work. the biggest reason is that most teenagers just by the fact thattheir teenagers and walking through things have lots of their own self induced guiltand shame. they know when they are screwing up. they know when they didn't have good grades.they know when they haven't came home on time and when they have been doing stuff that parentsmight not approve. and for them to then come home and hear from their parents all sortsof stuff about this, just makes them feel worse which keeps the problem going on. thereare a couple of ways that parents do this guilty and shaming. the worst offender isyour behavior is hurting me so much, your

behavior is an embarrassment to our family,your behavior is, well you got the idea. (why is the tactic such a bad idea? what is guiltand shaming? what could that lead to?) well, the problem with guilt, when kids have a lotof guilt and shame, is they end up doing things to cover for them. i have one of my kids whouse to quit jobs just by walking out of them and not giving notice and all of that andhe had so much shame about that that he didn't even go and pick up his last check. they almosthad to force it on him and then because he didn't clean it up the next job he went to,he did it all over again. all the times kids who are full of guilt and shame start gettinginto very addictive behaviors or they drop out of school. but the real thing that i wantto mention here is to talk about the fact

that parents do this guilt and shaming orthrowing guilt upon their kid for the wrong reasons. they are doing to motivate, but reallythe reason they are doing it is because they haven't separated their own feelings aboutthe process of parenting and what is going on and how it is affecting them from the actual.how do i become an affective parent to my kid? i can remember years ago when i had afoster kid who was just being an idiot. he just wasn't doing things in the way of itworking and i really, really, really felt

like getting a baseball bat, beating his headin. but that is so not much my character that i shocked and just saying wait a minute, stophere, let's go and keep your feelings out of this and start concentrating on workingwith the kid's feelings and motivating them

in a way that will work for him.