parenting practices

emma: ok. welcome, everyone, to thisg [? pause ?] author's talk. and i'm delightedto be welcoming shauna shapiro to talk tous here at google today about mindful parenting. and i was thinking, who betterto talk to us about mindful parenting thanshauna, as she has 20 years' experience asa mindfulness meditation practitioner, having studiedboth in thailand, and nepal,

and here in the west? and she also has a scientificacademic background, with a phd. she's a clinicalpsychologist and also professor at santaclara university. and, maybe mostimportantly, she's a parent to hernine-year-old son jackson. i met shauna firsthere at google when she attended one of oursearch inside yourself classes.

and the studentsreported how much value she added to the class,just from her own experience and from her research. so i'm just delighted that she'sable to spend a bit more time with us talking throughsome of her insights. please join me inwelcoming shauna shapiro. shauna shapiro: thank you. thank you, emma. yeah.

well, i'm delighted to be here. every time i come to google ifeel really inspired by what's happening here, and just kindof the vision and the integrity with which people areattempting to live these values. i don't think any of usare doing it perfectly yet. and i'm sure there's alot that's difficult. but really, i feelthe commitment here, and it inspires me. so, welcome.

and i'm curious-- is everyonein the room a parent? is anyone not a parent? and you're just here tolearn about mindfulness? audience: i will be. shauna shapiro: ok. you will be. well, that means youalready are at some point. yeah, somewhere inthe consciousness. so i'm really excited toshare some of this with you.

what i was reflectingon-- because there's so much that iwould like to cover, and we have justan hour together. for me, what's most importantis for you understand what mindfulness isand to really give you an experience of it, sothat it can help nourish you as a human beingand as a parent. and so towards the end,we'll get in specifically to mindful parenting,but my intention

is really to help anchor us inwhat mindfulness actually is. and i want to take justa moment to acknowledge some of my teachers, firstof all, my co-author, dr. christopher white. he's a pediatrician. jack kornfield, rogerwalsh, shinzen young. and then this is a photoof my grandparents. this is ben and nancy friedman. and welcome.

i like to reallyacknowledge them, because even thougha lot of my training was in thailand and nepalin buddhist monasteries, and my understandingof mindfulness does stem from that tradition,my protestant grandparents taught me as muchabout mindfulness than any of my experiences. and they didn't meditate. their passion, theirpresence, their curiosity,

their kindness,their aliveness-- that's the essenceof mindfulness. this is a universal practice. it's a universal way of being. and it transcendsreligion and culture. so, again, myintention is really just for us to understandmindfulness first and foremost. second, i want to brieflyreview the research and talk a bit aboutis mindfulness helpful?

i think that helpsmotivate people, when they know thescience behind it. and then talk alittle bit about how do we integrateit into parenting? and ending with what ithink is most important, which is self-compassion. i think if you learnnothing else today except to be a little bit gentlerand a little kinder to yourself as aparent-- in fact,

how many people feel likethey're not quite doing it right as a parent? haven't quite figured it out? ok. i'm right there with you. it's actually this pervasivesense of i'm a terrible parent. like, everyone elsekind of has it together. they're getting it. but i can't do it.

and yet everyone feels that way. so i think this pieceof self-compassion is really important. all right. so this is our book. this wonderful quote wehave, by andrew weil. he says, "one of themost exceptional road maps on how to raise happy,resilient, and emotionally healthy children."

and that's reallythe intention, is how do we raise childrenthat are happy and healthy? that's what we mostwant for our children. not that they're rich andsuccessful and famous, but happy, healthy, resilient. and then emotionallyintelligent. really not just usingtheir intellect, but using their heart,their body, their sensation, their emotions, for howto navigate life and live

in the most beautiful way. so the foundationof mindful parenting is awareness and compassionof ourselves and others. your own awareness, your owncompassion, your own presence, is essential. this is from gordonneufeld, who's been really influential in myunderstanding of parenting. he says, "parenthood is aboveall a relationship, not a skill to be acquired.

attachment is not a behaviorto be learned, but a connection to be sought." ok? so we want someone to come inand say, well just do a, b, and c, and it's allgoing to be good. right? but actually, parenting requiresconnection and relationship. and this requires presence. thich nhat hanh says,"the most precious gift

we can offer othersis our presence. when mindfulnessembraces those we love, they bloom like flowers." so mindfulness is presence. that's what it is. mindfulness is about beingfully here, fully present. and what that requires is thatwe begin to see things clearly. so the word "mindfulness"actually means to see clearly. to see clearly what'shappening in this moment.

to see clearly what your childis needing in a given moment. to see clearly, weneed to do something. what do we need to do tobe able to see clearly? we have to be ableto pay attention. so i've been talking nowfor maybe four minutes. i'm curious-- how many peoplehave noticed that your mind has wandered off in theselast four minutes? come on. everyone.

in fact, don't evenraise your hand. i know. i'll bring you into mylaboratory and i'll look at your brain if youtell me you didn't. your mind has wanderedin the last four minutes many, many times. what we've found is that themind wanders approximately 50% of the time. that's a lot.

so let's say you live to be 100. that's 50 years of yourlife that are spaced out. that's not evencounting sleeping time. so part of mindfulness, partof the way that we learn how to see things clearly, isby gathering our attention here in the present moment. so just try it with me for,like, the next two minutes. see if you can actually be here. because all of your bodiesare here right now, right?

no one's left. thank you. see if you can have yourmind be where your body is, instead of just leavingthis empty shell that's kind of like spaced out andglazed over for me to look at. so good. you're doing great. a minute and a half left. you're all right here with me.

i feel it. and you are definitely here. welcome. but mindfulness is notjust about attention. because otherwise a snipercould be the most mindful person in the world. they have amazingattentional skills. so mindfulness is also aboutwhy we're paying attention. what is my intention?

what is my vision? what is my goal? what is the kind of motivation? so why are you paying attention? and then how you pay attention. so how is your attitude? this is the qualityof your attention. you have 30 seconds left. are you still here with me?

it's kind of hard,huh, to pay attention? so also looking at howam i paying attention? am i judging myself becausei just wandered off again? or am i being curious andkind, and saying, oh, whoops! there it goes. she said my mind was goingto wander 50% of the time. it is. wow. interesting.

so that's our attitude. and, actually, mindfulnessis about all three of these elements-- intention,attention, and attitude. does that make sense? so i want to talkabout each of these. as i said, intentionis really knowing why we're doingwhat we're doing. why am i paying attention? intention sets thecompass of your heart.

it says, i want togo in this direction. it's not a destination. you're not tryingto get anywhere. you're just kind ofguiding yourself. this is the generaldirection i want to head. so you don't end upstriving, and getting really goal-orientatedand really fixated on where you're going. you're actually presentfor the process.

and you're aligning yourselfwith what's most important. jon kabat-zinn, who'sone of my main teachers, he says, "your intentions setthe stage for what is possible. they remind you moment to momentof why you're practicing." he said, "i usedto think meditation was so powerful that aslong as you did it at all, you'd see growth and change. but time has taught me somekind of personal vision is necessary."

i love that. first of all, he's so humble. he says, oh, i used to thinkyou could just sit people down, have them meditate, andeverything would work out. but now i realize,some kind of intention. so when i work with my patients,we always begin with intention. why are you here? my favorite quote, bysuzuki roshi, he says, "the most importantthing is to remember

the most important thing." that's it. you just have to rememberwhat is most important to you. and it's not so easy. we forget. this is a picture of my son. this is jackson. he's nine years old,so he doesn't really look like that anymore.

but i love this photo. and recently, i had thisexperience where he really reminded me of how easy itis to forget our intention. how easy it is to forgetwhat's most important. so i was teachingin europe, and i'd been gone for two weeks, whichwas the longest i've ever been apart from him. and as i was flying home, i wasjust kind of filled with guilt. and, like, how's it goingto be when we reconnect?

and have i ruinedour attachment bond? and what kind of mother am i? and then i realized thatguilt wasn't really going to help me reconnect with him. and so i set an intention. when i get home, the firstday, all i'm going to do is be with jackson. i'm not going to check my email. i'm not going togo through my mail.

i just want to be with him. so i got home. it was a beautiful day in marin. and i decided we'dgo to the beach. so i'm packing up picnicand making it all perfect, because i'm going tobe the perfect mom, and show him howmuch i love him. and i get all hisstuff together. and i'm like, ok, jackson.

you want to go to the beach? and he was like, nah. i don't really want to go. i was like, come on. it's going to be so fun. it's sunny. i have everything packed up. let's go. he was like, ok.

and he kind of like isshuffling out the door. and i'm 10 feet ahead ofhim, like already at the car, ready to have thebest day ever so he knows how much i love him. and i get to thecar, and i look back. and he's sitting on theground on our front porch. and i'm like, jackson. and i feel a littlebit of impatience. and that kind of familiarcontraction in my body.

and, luckily, i'd beenteaching mindfulness every day for the past two weeks,so i had some awareness. and there was a moment where--it was this choice point. and i could see it. i could get impatientand say, hurry up. let's go to the beach. this is our plan. and then i rememberedmy intention. what was the mostimportant thing?

i just wanted him to know iwas home, and he was safe, and i love him. and so i walked over to him. and i sat down. he was actuallylooking at these ants on the ground, whichwere kind of interesting. and i sat down next to him. and we're sitting there. and all of a sudden he leanedhis little body into mine.

and i could just feel hisshoulder and his weight resting in to me, and thesun on our backs. that was the mostimportant thing, right? and yet we forget. we forget in an instant. and so mindfulness is aboutremembering our intention. what is most important? so that's the first element. intention.

so i'd like you to just letyour eyes close for a moment, and see if you can feelinto why you're here. what's your intention? and don't really think about it. see if you can actuallyfeel in your body. like maybe feel thelove for your child. this feeling into what ismost important for you. and then you canlet your eyes open. and see if you can keepthat alive in your body

as we continue. the second element ofmindfulness, as i mentioned, is attention. this is simply paying attentionin the present moment. and as you've noticed, it'skind of challenging, right? so there's a pictureof this adorable monkey up here, because our mind hasbeen compared to a monkey mind. that our mindswings from thought to thought like a monkeyswings from limb to limb.

watch. watch your mind. tell me if this isn't true. can you imagine if i put abig loudspeaker hooked up to your brain, and i could hearall your thoughts right now? can you imagine that? our thoughts are--you're not in charge. you would not be thinkingthose thoughts right now. that's not where you wouldwant your attention to be.

anne lamott says, she goes,"the mind has no shame." the mind has no shame. "it's like walking in adangerous neighborhood. you don't want togo there alone." you don't want togo there alone. the mind is just goingwherever it wants to go. and so part of thispractice is learning how to train the mindin the present moment. how to gather yourattention back.

and we do this in avery gentle, kind way. so it's almost as if themind is like a puppy dog. and it wanders off. and you're like, stay. come back. it wanders off again. you say, come back. we have between 12,000and 50,000 thoughts every single day.

95% are the same. think about that. actually, don't think about it. just experience that. so part of thispractice is learning how to work with all thesedistracting thoughts, and bring our attentionback right here. and not get so lostin the thoughts. emo phillips, who isa wonderful comedian,

he says, "i used tothink the brain was the most wonderfulorgan in my body. and then i realized whowas telling me this." so don't believe your thoughts. they're not necessarilyreal or true. so what we do withmindfulness is we begin to train andstabilize our attention in the present moment, sothat we can see clearly. remember, that's what theword mindfulness means.

we want to be ableto see clearly what's true so that wecan respond skillfully. and that's reallythe art of parenting, is responding skillfully. there's no way thati can tell you, well, just do thiswhen this happens. because we don't reallyknow what's going to happen. it's different. it's complex in every moment.

and so the key to this is reallybeing so present and so alive that you can seeclearly what's needed and meet it in any given moment. the third elementof mindfulness-- this is the lastone-- is our attitude. this is how we'repaying attention. when i first was learning aboutmeditation, i went to thailand. i was 19 years old. i didn't really knowanything about meditation.

and i met this beautiful monk. and he didn't speak any english,and i didn't speak any thai. but he kind of motionedfor me to pay attention to my breath going inand out of my nose. so i sat down at this monasteryfor a two-week silent retreat, where you meditatefrom like four the morning until 9:00 at night. and i paid attentionto my breath going in and out of my nose.

so what i noticed, just likeyou guys have been noticing, is that my mind wandered. so i'd feel, like, one breath. maybe two breaths. maybe even threebreaths in a row. and then my mindwould wander off. and so what did i do? brought it back. and i brought it backagain and again and again.

and i started tryingharder and harder. like why can't i do this? what's wrong with me? has anyone triedto meditate before? anyone feel like theyjust can't do it? like meditation's not for you? that's how everyonefeels when they start. and that's how i felt. i was like, who do i think iam that i could be a meditator?

and i think i'm aspiritual person. what am i doing here? why am i at thishorrible monastery? it's like 120 degrees andthere's mosquitoes everywhere. became really frustrated,really judgmental. and by the thirdday of sitting there in silence tryingto watch my breath, not only was i judging myself, iwas judging everyone around me. why are all thesemonks sitting here?

what are they doing? they're just wasting their time. they're sitting here. there's-- and finally a monk flew infrom london who spoke english. and i had an interview with him. and i told themwhat was happening. and he looked at me witha lot of compassion, and a little bit of humor.

and he said, oh dear, you'renot practicing mindfulness. he said, you'repracticing impatience and frustration and judgment. and then he saidthese five words that really impacted my life. he said what wepractice gets stronger. what we practice gets stronger. we know this nowwith neuroplasticity. your repeated experiencesshape your brain.

if you're payingattention as you meditate in a judgmental way,in a self-critical way, in a striving way,in an impatient way, you're creating those neuralpathways in your body. mindfulness is about payingattention with acceptance, with openness, witha sense of curiosity, where you're actually interestedin your own and other people's experience. with kindness, withtrust, compassion.

so these are offeredmore of like a heuristic, but it's this generalsense of our attitude is very spacious, verywelcoming, very kind. and as you practice relatingto yourself in that way, that's how you start togrow these new pathways. i want to clarify, though. mindfulness is not aboutbeing happy all the time. what these qualities are isthey're kind of like a pot. and mindfulness isthis big pot that's

always kind and alwaysopen and always curious. and you put whatever you'refeeling inside that pot. so maybe you're feeling reallyfrustrated at your child. or scared about them. or confused or lost. it doesn't mean you try toget rid of that and be kind. what it means is you holdthat emotion, that fear, with kindness and withcuriosity and with compassion. and say, what does itfeel like to be scared?

what does it feel like to notknow what to do right now? and to really love this person? so these are the three elementsof mindfulness-- intention, attention, and attitude. this is the japanesekanji of mindfulness. and the top character lookslike a hat, means presence. the bottom character,shin, means heart mind. they're interchangeablein asian languages. so mindfulness could havebeen translated in the west

as heartfulness. i don't think it wouldhave caught on as much. but think about-- infact, feel-- how different it is to say heartfulnessinstead of mindfulness. that's what thispractice is about. it's about thisheartful presence. so what i'd like to do ispractice for a very, very short period, so that you canactually try intentionally paying attention in thiskind, open, heartful way.

so go ahead and sit comfortably. i'm going to invite youto put your cell phones and computers ona different chair. and make surethey're off, please. they actually dida study, and they found that even if yourcellphone is out, like that, while you're havinglunch with someone, both people rate the lunchas less satisfying and less intimate, even if no onelooked at their cellphone.

just having it out. and the fear that youmight get interrupted made it less intimate. now imagine howour children feel. imagine how our childrenfeel, knowing that at any moment, whatthey're saying to you is going to take less importancethan whatever is coming in on your phone. not to guilt you.

do not go into guilt. guilt actuallyfreezes the center of the brain thatcan make changes. guilt is not helpful. we'll talk about that. so letting that go. and just allowyour eyes to close. and just take a moment. we're just-- right now,remember we're just

learning how to pay attention. so begin to gatheryour attention. what you practice gets stronger. so right now, we're trainingthe skill of attention. so just gatheringyour attention. and begin by just beginningto feel your body. so gather your attentioninto the toes of the feet. you can wigglethem a little bit. and then into the ankles.

and up both legs. connecting with yourseat and the chair. feel your pelvicarea and your hips. and if your attentionwanders, no problem. just bring it back. we're just gathering right now. training the mind inhow to pay attention. so coming up through the spine. and then relaxing the shoulders.

pouring the awarenessdown both arms. into the hands. and then feeling the belly. see if you can soften the belly. and moving upthrough the ribcage. into the chest. and actually, see if you canfeel the beating of your heart in the chest. it might be helpful just toput your hand on your chest

and actually feelthe heart beating. and you can leave yourhand there for a minute or put it back in your lap. but staying connectedto this knowing that the heart is takingcare of you right now. and you don't haveto think about it. you don't have to rememberto make it happen. it just knows what to do. sending oxygen and nutrients toevery cell in your body right

now. and then lettinggo of the heart, and coming upthrough the throat. feeling the back ofthe neck lengthen as you tilt the chindown just a millimeter. bringing your attentionup the back of the head, and the sides of thehead, and the ears. and then into the face. as you just soften the mouth.

soften your jaw. soften your eyes. soften the forehead. just letting your face rest. and then getting a sense ofyour whole body sitting here. feeling the awareness flowingthrough the whole body. and see if you canlean your attention a little bit down anda little bit back. we tend to focus mostly forwardin the front of our body.

so leaning it down and back. so you're really centered. you have all yourresources available to you in this moment. and then just noticethat you're breathing. feeling the breath as itnaturally flows in and out of the body. and again, you don'thave to control it. you don't have to thinkabout it or do anything.

the breath knows what todo, just like the heart. it's taking care ofyou all the time. see if you can be fullypresent for just one breath. really feeling it in your body. or even just half abreath, just this inhale. or just this exhale. and so the breath becomes ouranchor in the present moment. it helps us stayhere where we are. and yet we're also open.

so if we hear sounds,we just notice hearing. notice the impacts in our body. and then let them go. if thoughts come up andbegin to carry us away, we notice thinking. and then we returnto our breath. emotions, body sensations. all of our experienceis welcome. not necessarily becausewe want it to be here,

but because it already is. we accept what is here,because it already is here. how do i meet it inthe present moment? how do i see clearlywhat's actually happening? so maybe justnoticing what it feels like to be alive right now. and relaxing the body 5% more. and at the same time,heightening your attention. really clarifying.

focusing the mind. you can be relaxed and alert. your body can bephysiologically at ease, and your mind can havelaser-like attention. so for the last twominutes of this practice, really infusing yourattention with the attitudes of mindfulness. with curiosity, and kindness,openness, and acceptance. trusting that you'redoing this right.

and that it's unfoldingin the right way, and at the right pace for you. and just resting. you don't have to do anything. so as you're ready, takinga deeper breath in and out. beginning to bringsome gentle movement into the wrists and ankles. you might want to stretchyour arms up above your head. and let some light comeback in through the eyes.

good. and what i inviteyou to notice is that even as themeditation ends, the mindfulness continues. it's not over. you're still paying attention. still present. still seeing clearly. so the meditationis just a practice

to cultivate the mindfulness. to develop these neuralpathways of presence so that we can bring theminto all aspects of our lives, including parenting. so bringing thismindfulness, this presence, i'd like you to getwith one other person, just for a minute, andjust share something you noticed as wedid this exercise. sharing from yourdirect experience.

so not, ooh, my mother-in-lawreally needs to learn this, but what did you notice? [laughter] oh, good. you're alive. what did you notice aswe did this practice? so just take a minute. so i'm curious. what did you guys notice?

what did you noticeas you practiced? audience: like i'd never beentold or suggested to do that. focus your attentionsort of down and back. as opposed to-- iguess my natural thing would be leaning forward. and going. shauna shapiro: so he hadnever focused his attention down and back. he's always kindof leaning forward.

audience: yeah. and that made it alittle more grounded and easier to stayinside myself. so that's what i noticed. shauna shapiro: beautiful. i find that a really helpfulpractice, because all of us tend to be a littlebit forward, right? and a little bitup in our heads. and to just kind ofsink down and rest back.

great. what else? yes. audience: it's conscious effortto push distracting thoughts out of your head. shauna shapiro: it'sa conscious effort to push distractingthoughts out of your head. and it's actually exhaustingand not really possible. so the invitationwith mindfulness

is to notice the distractingthoughts and then let them go. we're not pushingthem out of our head. they're like waves in the ocean. they're going to keep coming. and what we try to do is dropdown beneath them and look up. and we can see themon the surface, but we're not gettingtossed about by them. mindfulness is not aboutbeing perfectly still and empty of thoughtsall the time.

it's not really realistic. there are more spaces. and there's periods like that. but there's alsoperiods of intensity. and it just dependson the moment, really. how many people noticed thatyour mind wandered quite a bit? right, all of us. all of us. and that's why we practice.

it's almost like we'rebuilding a muscle, right? and i go to the gymand i lift weights, not so that mybicep gets bigger, but so that i can comehome and pick my son up. so we're practicingmindfulness so that we have thesestronger parts of our brain and our being to be present forourselves and for our children. so i want to move on a littlebit about now to the science. and i'm noticing that wedon't have a ton of time.

and so i'm going to skipto just what i think is most interesting rightnow in the field, which is the effects ofmeditation on the brain. so this is just somebasic science research. it doesn't have todo with meditation. but if you imagine thatmy fist is your brain-- i got this fromdan siegel, who is a wonderful colleagueand mentor and friend. so basically, we have thekind of reptilian brain

stem that formed early on,a lot of our fight or flight mechanisms. and then we have theprefrontal cortex that formed around this part. and this is ourhigher-order reasoning. this is our emotionalintelligence. this is the partof the brain that is most impacted by mindfulness. and so what you find is thatpeople who are feeling happy,

and alert, andvibrant, and joyful, when you look attheir brain, they have higher ratios ofleft to right prefrontal cortical activity. so the part of their brain--the prefrontal cortex-- they have greater activity inthe left to right ratio when they're feeling happy, alert. when you're depressed,when you're anxious, you have greater activityin the right to left ratio.

and even when you haveextreme depression, post-traumaticstress disorder, you can see this patternin a deeper way. so what they did is theybrought in 175 subjects to be tested in the laboratory. and this is thiswonderful tibetan lama who's all hooked upto these eeg monitors so we can see what'shappening inside his brain. and what they found is thatthis long-term meditator

had the highest left to rightratio in his prefrontal cortex that they had seen. and so they wondered, well, isthis just a random artifact? like, was he was bornhappy, and that's why he decided to go andmeditate for tens of thousands of hours? or did the tens of thousandsof hours of practice, right, strengthen certainparts of his brain that had to do with happinessand compassion and joy?

so they did a randomizedcontrol trial. they took 41 biotechnologyemployees-- anyone can do this. just kidding. i shouldn't say that at google. and they taught themmeditation and compared them to a weightless control group. and what they found was atthe four-month follow-up, there was significantincrease in this left to right activation.

so this is actually reallyexciting and really hopeful news. because inpsychology, what we've learned over thepast four decades is that we all have ahappiness set point. just like someonewith their weight. they can fluctuatebetween 10 pounds or so, but you basicallyhave the kind of have the body you were born with.

well, when you're born, youhave a certain temperament. and what they found is thatyou have a baseline level of happiness thatdoesn't really shift that much over your lifetime. and they based thison research that shows that if youwin the lottery, you have this spike in yourhappiness-- which we'd expect-- and then within one year,you're back to your baseline. if you get in a terribleaccident and become paralyzed,

you have a huge dropin your happiness. and then one year later,you're back to baseline. those are shockingresults that have been repeated over and over. so this is great news ifyou're born happy, right? you're like a bobo doll. stuff happens. you pop down. you pop back up.

and it's no problem. for many people that i workwith, they were not born happy. and then this is really,really depressing news. it's like, well, evenif i win the lottery, or i marry the perfect person,or i get the house in hawaii, within one year i'mgoing to be back to this level of depression? so what this researchis showing us is that even though changingour external circumstances

can't change ouroverall happiness level, changing ourinterior environment, our interior landscape, can. this is very hopeful. richie davidson andmatthieu ricard, who is the principalinvestigator of the study, he says, "happinesscan be trained because, the very structureof our brain can be modified." so what he's talking abouthere is neuroplasticity,

as i mentioned earlier. our repeated experiencesshape our brain. what you'repracticing right now. if you're spacing out, thatpathway's getting stronger. if you're interestedand curious, that pathway's getting stronger. and i'll never know. i mean, i kind of can tellfrom your eyes and your pupil dilation, but i'mnot really looking.

so what i think becomesso hopeful and optimistic is the sense of, like,you have a choice. and every moment's important. every moment, as you're withyour child, is important. not only for you, but for them. because our mirror neurons,they're getting shaped. we're shaping our own brain. and we're shaping their brains. and so there's nomoments that don't count.

there's no breaks. not to put pressure on you. but there's no breaks. every moment matters equally. in every moment you'recreating a pathway. these are brains fromharvard, actually, so that makes themkind of special. they looked at manymeditators' brains. and they looked at theparts of the brains that

got bigger and strongerthrough meditation practice. so when you lookat taxi drivers, if you look at their brains,the visual spatial mapping parts get big and strong,because that's what they're doing all day. when you look atmeditators, what they find is the partsof the brain that have to do withattention, learning, emotional intelligence,self-awareness,

they get bigger. they get stronger. it's called cortical thickening. and the more youpractice, the bigger, the more corticalthickening there is. this is very hopeful news. we have the technology,right, the meditation practice as technology, tochange our brain. to change the actual structuretoward greater happiness,

towards greaterease and compassion. so i like to thinkof this as like we have these superhighwaysof habits, right? and they're really fast. you know what yours are. and what mindfulnessdoes is it says, is that really in alignmentwith your highest values? is that really gettingyou in the direction you want to be heading?

and we have this opportunityto kind of dig out these little countryroads of compassion, or patience, or presence. and i could go thisway, right, with my son. i could have beenlike, jackson, come on, we're going to the beach. impatience is oneof my pathways. or i could pause,and just kind of go this other route, whichmaybe doesn't feel as familiar.

but every time i start goingdown that route of patience or of kindness, i'mstrengthening it. so the next time,right, there's not as many brambles and bushes. it's a little cleared. does that makes sense? so the question really becomes,what do you want to practice? what is your intention? what is the mostimportant thing to you?

and so this brings usto mindful parenting. and these are the five elements. and these are kindof invitations of what to practice. and so our book reallygoes through these in a lot of detail. and i'm just going to planta seed and offer them to you. but these five pathways are--i'll go through each of them, actually.

the first one, andmost important one, is unconditional love. practicing that pathway. connecting. building the relationship. nothing matters if youdon't have the relationship. and nothing is worth it if itcosts you the relationship. if disciplining yourchild and getting them to do what you want in thatmoment costs the relationship,

it's not worth it. so the foundation isunconditional love. the sense thatthere's nothing that will stop me from loving you. whether you score the goalor whiff the penalty kick. get an a or an f. behavewell or arrogantly. i will always love you,and stay connected to you through thick and thin. that sense that you'renot going anywhere.

this is the foundationof mindful parenting. and this is the mostimportant thing. another important elementthat we practice is space. allowing our childrenspace to be themselves. we often micromanage as parents. and we think we know best. and we think they haveto go on this pathway. and i know for me,i'm a professor, and everyone in myfamily is professors.

and the intellectual mindis very highly valued. whereas the emotionalintelligence and the heart, not so much. and when i chose to have myson go to a waldorf school, i remember familymembers saying, well, is he ever going tolearn how to read? and so i was like, noproblem, no problem. and then here my sonis eight years old, does not know how to read.

and there is this momentin me where i was like, maybe i shouldn't have givenhim this much space and trusted. and yeah, he's speakingmandarin and arabic and playing guitarand all the stuff, and he doesn't know how to read. and i remembergoing and speaking with the headmasterof the school, and she was just like,trust the process. trust this innateorganic capacity

that our children have. give him space. and there's lots ofencouragement and guidelines. and now he's nine. he's reading perfectly. it's no problem. i don't know what would havehappened if he hadn't learned now and i had to give this talk. but there's something aboutgiving our children space

to become themselves, andtrusting that process. healthy limits. this is the other side of space. it is so importantfor our children to have something to pushup against, some limits. when parents areoverly permissive, when parents don'tset boundaries, it actually creates a lotof fear for our children. physiologically,it creates fear.

it's like, well,who's in charge? who knows what'sright and wrong? and i know for me,i'm a single mother. and my ex-husband, he waskind of the disciplinarian, and i was like thesweet mommy loving one. and then when of a sudden,i was having to be both, i didn't do it very well. i didn't create very muchboundaries for my son. and after about two years,my son was ruling our house.

he was this little dictator. he was like six years old. he was like, thisis what we're doing. and i'm like, ok. and that's when idecided to actually start doing the researchfor this book. because i was like, wait. discipline can't be all bad. there has to be someways to create boundaries

where i'm the momand he's the child, and he gets to be the child. it is so important to letour children be children. and so healthy limitsis about really from a place of clarity and loveand wisdom, setting the limits. not from a place of you're bad. you're wrong. i'm taking away my love. when we get to that pointand we're setting limits,

that's not healthy. we want to set the limitsfrom a place of spaciousness and openness and i love you. that's when the limits createso much healing, and allow our children to learn howto discipline themselves. oh, this makes sense. i can trust mom. i can trust dad. they know whatthey're talking about.

and they're doing thisbecause they love me. so when we say no toa particular behavior, we do our best to simultaneouslysay yes to our child. and that's what'smost important, is they don't feel likethe no has anything to do with your love andyour connection to them. modeling and mentorshipare another thing that we practice withmindful parenting. who you are.

who you are teaches yourchild more than anything. who you are asyou're driving along. who you are as you're checkingout at the grocery store. are you making eye contact? are you present? are you on your phone? we're going to talk aboutself-compassion soon, don't worry. but our children, the way welearn is by watching others.

we are incredibly elegantlywired with our mirror neurons to actually feel whatother people are feeling, and adapt in that way sothat we become like them. so how we are in theworld impacts our children more than anythingwe say to them. what we model. and then mentoring our children. actually spendingtime with them. and offering them the skillsand knowledge that they need.

when i talk aboutmy son not learning to read until hewas nine, it wasn't that we weren't doing anything. i mean, we had alot of structures in place to support him. but there wasn't theanxiety and there wasn't the forcing behind it. so there can stillbe mentorship. and he and i, since he wasborn, i've read to him an hour

every single night. and so even though he stillis not a great reader, his vocabulary is amazing. the last thing i want totalk about is mistakes. and for me, this has beenthe most important thing, is to recognize thatmistakes are natural. they're part of parenting. and they can, in fact, lead togreater intimacy and greater healing.

this path of parenting isnot about doing it right. it's not about being perfect. if there was a way to dothat, i would tell you. i would. it's one of the mosthumbling experiences. continues to bethe most humbling experience i'veever had in my life. and one of the most painful. one of the mostrequiring of compassion.

so mistakes giveus the opportunity to acknowledge ourown limitations, and then to demonstrate toour child how we repair. how we repair. the most important thing,when we make a mistake, is to acknowledge it. and to say i'm sorry. and to really be inthat vulnerability as a parent, whichis challenging.

so by modeling thisfor our children, we model the idea that youdon't have to be perfect, and that you're lovedfor who you are. there's this sensein our culture-- that i think is prettypervasive-- that somehow i'm not doing it right. somehow i'm not ok. i'm not quite doing thisparenting thing right. i'm not quite doingthis life thing right.

like i haven't figured it out. and what's wrong with me? tara brock, who's awonderful teacher, she calls it thistrance of unworthiness. that somehow there'ssomething wrong with me. or other people have figuredsomething out that i haven't. and i think thiscauses a lot of harm. we want to modelfor our children it's ok to not be perfect.

it's not just ok, it's normal. it's natural. it's healthy. so this is from jack kornfield. he says, "if you can sitquietly after difficult news. if in financial downturnsyou remain perfectly calm. if you see your neighborstravel to favorite places without a tinge of jealousy. if you can happily eatwhatever is put on your plate.

if you can love everyone aroundyou unconditionally, and be content wherever you are--you are probably a dog." we hold ourselves to theselevels of perfection. we think we shouldbe feeling this way. i should be happy all the timeand love my son all the time. feel like being a mom'sthe greatest thing in the entireworld all the time. find me a mom like that. find me a dad like that.

and yet we're soafraid to acknowledge the humanness of parenting. and i think one of themost important dimensions of mindful parentingis this authenticity. is our own tender hearts asparents, our own vulnerability, our own fears. the dalai lama, who has inspiredme so deeply in my life-- there's the story about him. it was from many,many years ago.

i wasn't there at the time. but someone askedhim, they said, your holiness, how do you dealwith these judgmental thoughts? this kind of feeling like you'renever quite doing it right. you're never quite good enough. like you should be faster,and more patient, and more compassionate,and more generous. what do you do with all that? and the dalai lama lookedat it him, and he said,

those thoughts are wrong. imagine the dalailama saying that. it's even hardfor me to imagine. usually he's so, like,joyful, and laughing, and tee hee hee, that'ssuch a funny question. but he said, that's wrong. he said, imagine that ayoung child was reaching out to take a hot coaland burn his hand. you would say,no, don't do that.

he said, these thoughtsare like your mind reaching out and takinghold of a hot coal. and they're burning you. and they're not leading toanything wholesome or skillful. so you take your handoff those thoughts. with mindfulness, we practiceself-compassion and kindness. and when those thoughtsarise, which they will. we have manysuperhighways of habit, of that judgemental thought.

we hold ourselveswith compassion. and we say, no, sweetheart. i'm not going tolet you do that. and what's interesting is thata lot of times people say, well, don't i have to have thosethoughts to keep my a game up, or to change and be a betterparent, or a better person, or a better worker,colleague, wife? and actually, as iwas saying earlier, the parts of the brainthat actually can learn

new behaviors, they shut downwhen you're self-conscious and you feel ashamed. so if you actually wantto change your behavior, it comes through compassionand through inspiration. if you actually want tochange your child's behavior, it's not through shaming them. oh my god, i can't believeyou hit your sister again. you're the worst littleboy i've ever met. that's not going to teachhim a new way of being.

that's going to shut him down. that's going to freezehim in fight or flight. so the way we parentis through compassion, through inspiration,through kindness. and we, in some ways, haveto re-parent ourselves. it doesn't work to shameand blame ourselves into being a good parent. i've tried it. it doesn't work.

what works is seeingthings clearly. that's the definitionof mindfulness. seeing clearly so i knowhow to respond effectively. that's the only tool wereally have, is our presence. so the word"compassion" in tibetan always includes oneself. it's considered incomplete ifit doesn't include oneself. think about that for a moment. so many times i hear parentswho are so overextended,

and so exhausted, and soburnt out, and just-- i can't. i can't deal withall this anymore. that's not reallyacting with compassion, because you have to includeyourself in the family system. so learning to takecare of yourself, even if it requires a littleless time with your children, and it's hard. we work with all thesedifferent things of guilt, and how much timeshould i be here,

and how much time-- and,again, through mindfulness you find your own right balance. what's most true for you. on my cd there's a meditationcalled metta meditation, or loving kindness. and it's a reallynourishing way to practice kindness for yourself,and cultivating that neural pathway. and then offering it to yourchildren, and to your spouse,

and to your family, andout into the greater world. and i thinkcombining mindfulness with compassion practicesis really useful. so that not only arewe seeing clearly, but we're also cultivatingthe heart and the mind. so i want to berespectful of your time. and i just want to thank you allfor your very kind attention. and maybe i will juststay up here for questions since we're at time.

and if you want to ask specificquestions, come and see me.

my cd is right there. my book's over there. and thank you. [applause]