parenting plan

we feel upset because we cry a lot. we feel sad and mad and angry. we were surprised and shocked when we heard the news. i used to feel sad, but now i feel mad and sad,and sometimes a little crazy. most of us feel some amount of confusion; confusion aboutwhat is happening in our families and confusion about how we feel. as a six-year-old i was just confused, and i was wonderinghow my life was going to change. and i didn't have any siblings to go through it withso i kind of had to do it on my own. i was confused a lot, but until i was maybe 12,it was just "go with the flow." the voices you just heard are a tinysample of the millions of children

who have experienced changes in their familythat also involve the family court. whether parents have been married andare now separating or divorcing, or whether parents have never been married and need to makecustody arrangements regarding their children, the court system in california is designed to assist familiesthrough this sometimes overwhelming experience. it was difficult watching my daughter go through various levels of grief. it took some years, it was frustrating at times, but i hung in there, as did her mother, and we kept everything about the best out come for our daughter. california law requires that parents attend mediation if they do notagree about custody or parenting time with their children. this process is referred to as child custody - recommending counseling in some courts. mediation and child custody recommending counseling are similar in most ways.

my name's dan. how are you? i'm going to be your mediator today. [narrator] mediation is a process in which parents spend timewith a neutral, specially trained professional [narrator (cont'd)] who will listen to their concerns and help them develop a parenting plan that meets the needs of their family. what bothered me the most was that i wouldn't get to seemy daughter every day, and that kind of weighed on me. when parents first come to court it's scary, and anxiety is heightened, and people are just not able to focus like theynormally would in every day circumstances. they have a fair amount of pessimism about what can possiblybe achieved in there, and when you think about it it makes sense, because people come to court precisely because they can't talk, andthen the first thing they're told to do is please go and try to talk. so as mediators we try to acknowledge those feelingsand recognizing, as well, that people do heal.

we want to give them an opportunity to consider all kinds ofoptions and an opportunity to come up with their own plan that they can develop and custom-fit to the needs of their children, focusing not on mom's rights or dad's, but, again, getting both parents to channel that energy into what's best for the kids. most courts in california have a family court services programor other mediation program to help parents mediate their parenting concerns. what i explain to parents is that there are three goals in mediation.the first goal is to try to help them come up with a plan. the second goal is that that plan needs to be in the child's bestinterest, so it's not necessarily what either parent may want, but it's what's going to be best for the child. the third goal is to help the parents reduce acrimony and bitternessbetween them, so that the children won't suffer as a result.

child custody mediation is conducted by court mediators who are skilled professionals in the field of psychology, marriage and familychild counseling, or social work. by statutory requirements everyone is trainedin the area of domestic violence, the impact of domestic violence on children, also substance abuse,family dynamics, issues of child abuse… a lot of us have experience in the field working either as therapists with families, with kids… because of our education and training, we're able to navigate someof those very difficult situations that parents and children face. this whole single parent custody,it was all new and it didn't really… i had not been here before, you know, i didn't feel like it came withan instruction packet, so i didn't really know what to do. my job is to work with you and see if i can help you come…

[narrator] mediation provides an opportunity for parentsto work out their custody and parenting arrangements. there's three really important issues thatwe need to cover in each session. one is the concept of legal custody,the second is the concept of physical custody, and then the third, of course, is the custodial schedule. the court would like to have people write comprehensive schedules, schedules that are detailed, for how parentsare going to spend time with their children. it really depends. for younger kids it might be a schedule thatenables them to remain with the primary caregiver and spend time with the other parent,maybe three or four days a week for a few hours at a time. as the children get older, or they're already used to overnights,everybody defines their weekend in a unique way.

some parents, a weekend is from after socceron saturday until after dinner on sunday. another type of issue that we often see is move away requests,where one parents is looking to move out of the area with the kids. as the parent, well, what is the judge grantsthe mother to move away in new york? he was able to come up with his owntimeshare in that specific scenario. and vice versa, the moving parent, what if thejudge says that the child has to stay back here? what then? and they were able to come up with their own timeshares. we will address what if the child is sick and can'tleave to meet another parent at an exchange? what do we under those circumstances?we also address emergency situations. and how to address all of those different everyday parentingissues when you're living in two different homes.

[narrator] in california either parent can have custody ofthe children, or the parents can share custody. joint legal custody is for parents who want to share inthe health and education decisions for their children. parents who have joint legal custody often selectschools, daycare providers, and counselors together. if one parent has sole legal custody thenthat parent makes those decisions alone. when parents have joint physical custody childrenlive a great deal of time with each parent, not necessarily 50-50, although it can mean 50-50. sole physical custody means that a child lives with one parentand spends significantly less amount of time with the other parent. what we're trying to accomplish is making sure that bothmom and dad have time in an appropriate way with their children. and every child and every family is unique.

there's not a presumption that the mother should have custody. there's not a presumption that the father should have custody. there's only a presumption that they should havejoint custody if the two of them agree about that. so for every family there needs to be a unique plan,and sometimes that plan has to be precise for each child. my concern was that, as is sometimes the case, that i was not…i was not going to have time with my daughter. her concern, as is sometime the case, was that i would not wantto have time with my daughter, and she wanted to have a life. and we were able to mutually agree that we both reallyhad to stay away from anger, you know, and really behave like adults, which is challengingat times, even when you are an adult. okay, folks, i have a copy of your agreement, one for each of you…

[woman (off screen)] every county is different. one thing that we like to do, is when parents reachan agreement, is to write it all out for them, and when they leave the mediation office they have that agreement in hand. [child] we feel tired and bored bringing our stuff back and forth. [child] we need time for homework and activities. [child] we need family time and one-on-one time. [man] if you are unable to reach an agreement…[woman (off screen)] usually the parents meet together for mediation. however, if there's a history of violence,or a restraining order has been issued, or if a parent does not feel safe meeting with the other parent

the mediator will arrange for separate sessions at separate times. [woman (off screen)] we take domestic violence issues very, very seriously. one of the things we do is we make sure that there's an intake process, so we have an intake sheet with questions specifically designed to ask and solicit, if there is some issues of domestic violencein the family, if there's a restraining order in the family. this intake form is confidential; only the mediator sees it. many times parents are hesitant tobring up any past domestic violence because there are no police reports, there are no arrests, but it's our job, if there has been a history, to really find out what's going on

and make sure that they feel comfortable beingin the same room or being in a separate room. and then in our parenting plans we make surewe talk about that and how safety is critical, and maybe neutral exchange locations so youdon't have to be in the same space as parents, you can exchange your child maybe through a third party. we also want to make sure that if there's any violence in the home, we want to talk about interventions and thingsyou can do as parents to support your children, because they experienced that violence. and the mediators are all trained and very well versedat providing information to the parents about what they can do for themselves to feellike there's a way of moving forward from this.

it is important that parents tell court personnel of their needs. a person who is protected by a restraining order or protective order has the right to have a support person present in mediationat an orientation program and at the court hearing. the support person cannot participate in the mediationand should be a neutral person who is not involved in the case. it's also important to know that family courtsissue orders that address safety issues, such as restraining orders, orders for supervised visitation,procedures for exchange of the children, or other orders regarding safety concerns for parents and/or children. our first focus is on the best interest of the children,but we have to temper that with safety concerns as well, so we're trying to determine what's best for children,what safety concerns there might be with each parent,

trying to meet the state's goal of having children havefrequent and continuing contact with both parents. so we're focusing on all of those things at the same time. if there's a conflict between those policies,then we have to focus on safety first. [child] kids need reassurance that it will be okay. [child] we need you to stop fighting. [woman] california has 58 diverse counties. all court-connected child custody mediators have tofollow certain laws and standards of practice, but there are some differences parents should be aware of. one of these is how cases are handled if parentsare not able to reach an agreement in mediation.

so we worked really hard here today. i think that…[woman (off screen)] in those courts where mediators [cont'd] do not make recommendations when the parents cannot agree, [cont'd] the mediator may only report to the court thatthe parents were unable to reach an agreement. mediation is voluntary. it's mandatory for you to appear in the mediation sessionbut it's certainly voluntary to reach an agreement, so there is no pressure that will take place in the process. if i can sometimes get them to say,"hey, let's make two different categories, the things you just can't agree about andthe things that you can agree about," sometimes i can have a partial agreement.

while the mediator in these courts does not makerecommendations regarding custody or parenting time, sometimes, and in some courts, the mediator might makethe following recommendations if appropriate. if it is believed to be in the best interest of the child, the mediator in some courts might recommend arestraining order to protect the child. a mediator might also recommend an attorney be appointed for the child, and the mediator might recommend an evaluation, investigation,or other services to assist the parents in resolving the matter. when parents don't agree in the mediation process, then as a mediator we will finish the mediation and we'll declare an impasse. i should say, however, that mediators are very patient, so we willtry very hard before we actually come to that point.

and i like to remind parents at the end thateven if they didn't reach an agreement today, doesn't mean that they can't reach agreements in the future. so the judge hopes that you two can reach an agreementregarding the custody visitation of your children. [woman (off screen)] in many other courts there are mediatorswho are called child custody recommending counselors, because they will make recommendations to the courtregarding custody and parenting time if the parents can't agree. in those courts mediation is referred to aschild custody recommending counseling. when i feel that the parents aren't going to agree, then it's important for me to gather as much informationas possible regarding the issues that they present, whether it be legal custody or physical custody.we want to get information

so that we can make the best recommendations possiblefor the parents' consideration and for the court's consideration. the goal is to help parents reach an agreement because they are the people with the most informationand the most investment, and the most emotion. at best a judge is a stranger. we can be an educated stranger,we can listen as well as we can, but we are never going to be that child's parent. so we are a second-best choice formaking a decision about children. [woman (off screen)] in all courts parents will be notifiedbefore the start of their mediation [cont'd] how the outcome of mediation will be handled,and any limitations to confidentiality.

we certainly want to do everything we canto protect the confidentiality of families, and we're very careful when they come in as to the information that they write on their intake forms oreven the reports that we might write. and so there are protocols in everycounty as to how to handle that. the other side of confidentiality that i explain to them is that i will be writing a report that they are going to receive. either it's going to be a reportthat's based on their agreements, or my recommendations if they don't reachan agreement, or a combination thereof. and i explain to them that they get this report;if they're represented by attorneys,

their attorneys will get the report, andthe court will get the report as well. also, our reports will be in aconfidential section of the court files, so they don't have to worry about strangers coming to theclerk's office and asking to see what happened in their mediation. if we learn during the course of a mediation sessionthat someone is being abused, particularly a child, then we may be obliged to contact authorities and let them know,and in that case confidentiality would not apply. if recommendations regarding custody and visitation are made, the child custody recommending counselor is requiredto give the parents and any attorneys a copy of the report with recommendations prior to the court hearing. [judge] i have a copy of the child custody recommending counselor's report.

[woman (off screen)] it is important that parents check with their local court, and talk with a mediator and child custody recommending counselor about what happens to the information that is shared during mediation. [child] we need hugs and kisses. [child] we need love. we always needlove from our parents. if the parents can't agree, the judge will make a final decision at a court hearing. sometimes their areas of disagreement are very simple to resolve. sometimes a short hearing is sufficientto resolve the issues for the time being. some parents only need a custody order that's going tolast them a little bit of time until they can let things settle.

some parents are looking for somethingthat's going to last a lot longer. so a case can be resolved anywherefrom a short discussion with a judge, which can help parents reach an agreement, to a judge hearing some testimony from each parent,and then making a determination, and sometimes there are evaluations that might be ordered, orthere might be a longer sort of a hearing like a trial. [child] we need you to listen to us and talk to us. [child] when we are given a choice inthings the whole process is easier. [child] we want a say in more things,especially our living arrangements. so between the ages of 6 and 13, when they didn't ask mewhat i would prefer for a switching schedule,

i was heavily into softball and dance in those ages, and i had a lot of things going onduring the week and on the weekends, and it was always a hassle for me to have to worry about who's going to take me to dance practice orwho's going to take me to my softball game. when i got smart enough into my teenage yearsand realized that i had a say and had a voice, i started asking more about how the court process worked, and they explained the switching schedules and the parenting plans. and i said, "well, can i put my input in, because i'd like todo cheerleading and it's, you know, six days a week sometimes?" and that's when my parents started getting more flexible.

[child] i feel okay but sometimes i feel a little sad. it is normal for parents and children togo through an adjustment period when there are changes in the time they spend together. they may find it is a difficult and painful time, and parents and children mayhave a hard time communicating. research has shown that ongoing conflictbetween the parents can be harmful to children. there are things parents can do to minimizethe conflict and help their children adjust. the one thing that affects the children themost is the conflict that parents have. the ongoing conflict affects them in schooling,their emotions, their future relationships.

and so the first thing that you can do to helpyour child is find ways to reduce conflict. that is the central thing you can do. one of them that we encourage is that parentsdo not make any disparaging remarks in the presence of the children regarding the otherparent, or allowing third parties to do so. so if there is maybe a friend or a familymember that's taking sides, and is speaking negatively about aparent in front of the child, we ask parents to take control of that and to tell everyone, "we will not discuss the other parent in frontof the children, in any kind of negative way." there are a lot of ways that parentscan help minimize the conflict.

one is just to take a step back and realize thatit's… parenting is a really difficult job. there are going to be challenges, and even if they lived in the same householdthey're not always going to agree. one of the ways i help parentsto reduce the conflict they have is to focus on their communication,because what ends up happening, they come into my office and they're arguingabout this, that, and the other thing, and they have all these different arguments,whether it's the homework or whether how the kid gets to school on time, but the problem isn'tabout each one of these individual problems. it's about the communication.

and if they can figure out how tosolve one of these problems, we can import their solution-makingfor this problem to all the other ones, if they have basic communication skills. another thing that parents can do to tryto help keep their kids out of the conflict is just not put the kids in the middle. so when i hear parents tell me thatthe other parent is having the child call and ask if they can stay alittle bit longer, for example, i tell the parents, "you know, you needto be doing that with one another." and so we encourage parents to communicate directly

in matters concerning the children,and not to use the child as a liaison. it's too much pressure and it causestoo much anxiety on the kids, and half the time, as is normal, children don'talways get their stories straight. so i encourage parents to think in terms of, you will hear information from your child. before you jump to conclusions, and youcall to accuse the other parent about what you just heard, that you willcall to clarify what you just heard. if i could get parents to do nothing else, it would be to avoid doing any sortof business at an exchange.

i call an exchange a magic moment for their children. their children are going to see the two peoplethey love the most in the world come together in one visual, and it's really importantthat that be 100% positive for those children, because they're going to do thousands of exchanges. a helpful tip for parents is to recognize ways that thechild's put in the middle that were unintentional ways. for example, if a parent was attending an extracurricularfunction and the other parent was also there, before or after who does that child talk to? are they free to go back and forth between theparents without one of the parents getting upset, that why did you go talk to him first or her first,

and immediately afterwards you shouldhave come to one side or the other. and just be cautious about that. it's okay for the childto be free to go back and forth at will, as they would anyone else,and get to go see friends and to chitchat after an eventthat they're excited about. it's about them and not about mom and dad. make sure they know it's okay with youto love the other parent, as well as you loving them, because they forget thatand they sometimes think it's their fault. we've seen children come to us who are 15 years,16 years old, and having missed that piece, having missed that opportunity to have asignificant relationship with the other parent,

and how it affects them down the road. so i think parents really need to think about how can iensure that my child has a relationship with both of us, because developmentally that's what they need. a lot of it is just keeping that anger out of it, keeping the anger out of it one day at a time, and if you can somehow manage to pausewhen you're feeling that, and not react, and wait until that passes, and then dowhat you have to do, it goes a long way towards healing and making the processbetter for you and better for the kids. the kids don't deserve to beunder the thumb of that anger,

they just don't deserve it, and it's only hurtful.so you owe them that. in front of the children it's really,really important to be civil. and you don't want to go to your kids' extracurricularsand sit on opposite sides of the field or opposite sides of the stadium watchingthem perform or do what they do best. it just makes them feel like they have tochoose afterwards who to go see and say, "hi and thank you for coming." and it's just really stressful when theycan't even be in the same vicinity. change is a natural part of life. it is important for parents to be aware that a plan theydecide on now may need to be changed in the future.

another important thing to consider is that the plan maybe different for each child, depending upon their needs. i think it helps parents to recognize that theparenting plan is evolving as the child gets older, and needs to be adjusted and perhaps modified,and they need to expect to be flexible. they need to expect to make changes, that a parenting plan that might fit the needs ofa younger child 5 years old, just starting kindergarten, is going to be significantly differentthan the sophomore in high school. younger children need a lot of security. they have a hard time with a lot of transitions. so what can you do to minimize those for them?

as they get older, they're all about theirfriends, you know, school, extracurricular activities. i think you should consider the specificsthat have to do with the burdens that are being put on children through parenting plans. for instance, how much travel time is the child goingto be required to do throughout the day or the week? how does your plan affect their schoolwork? are they able to be successful in theirschool with the plan that you have? how does this plan affect their friendships? how do they keep connected to the peoplethat really mean a lot to them? how does this plan affect their activities, the thingsthat they enjoy doing on a day-to-day basis?

if you can imagine yourself in their shoes,and think to yourself, "gee, would i want this kind of plan,or would i have wanted this kind of plan," then i think you're on the way tomaking a good plan for your children. having my parents be flexible with my schedule,i was so grateful for it because i didn't feel pressured to spending more time withone parent, and i got to just do what i wanted to do and have something about the divorce be about me,and that was kind of heartwarming. [child] we need parents to try to understandand respect what it's really like for us. [child] some of us are even happier. [child] it can be a relief when parents finally make the decision todivorce or to separate after they had been fighting for so long.

for more information about the court process, parents may seek assistance through their local court. in addition to the family court services departments,courts have self-help centers or family law facilitators who may help parents with the paperwork required andanswer questions about child support and other issues. while they are not allowed to provide legal advice, they are able to assist parents with informationabout the family law legal process. also, if you need assistance in getting a child support order,changing the amount, or help collecting child support, services are available through thelocal child support agency. these agencies are located in each countyto provide services to parents.

they are not a part of the court, but a governmentalagency that provides services to either parent. you can get more information onthese services and how to apply at the california department of child support services website. i would highly recommendthat if you hit a rough spot, that you go back through mediation,try to work it out. if that doesn't work, come back to court. a bench officer is here to help you work out yourproblems in the best interest of your children. our daughter has grown up.she's graduated from college. we both went down and attended hergraduation and sat by each other,

and we were both mutually excited and proud,and… you know, and good friends. and i think at the end, you know, we kind of dida fist bump and said, "good job. good job." i wouldn't be able to keep doing it if everything always ended the wayparents see it on the way in. i keep holding on to the way theparents see it on the way out. they'll let me know, "wow, what adifference this made having you here." and letting them know that, "hey, you guys canhave this type of communication outside." they get really excited about their children, they get focused on their children,and it's not about the fighting anymore.

it's about we need to help our children. i realized that after my graduation ceremony i had to say hi and take pictureswith both of my families, so i asked both families to cometo the same spot on the field. so after we threw up our caps we walked over to where i was meeting my family,and both of them were there. before you know it, after we took somepictures, my parents were mingling, my mom and my dad's family were mingling,and vice versa, and it was just… it was a relief to me to actually see them together.

one big thing that i really wanted out of this wasa picture with just my mom and my dad, because the last time i can remembertaking a picture with both of them

was maybe when i was 3 or 4 years old, and i've cherishedthat picture and i really would like a few more to have. so that day she asked my dad to gostep in the picture with my mom, and he came up to me with asmile on his face and said, "hey, would you like a picture with all three of us?"and i almost cried right there.