parenting sites

>> welcome. thank you allfor being here. we're going to have some funtoday talking about parenting. before i start, i'd liketo make a few comments. first, i'd like to thankmy colleagues and students for allowing me to sharesome pictures of them in thispresentation. second of all, i am nota clinical psychologist, nor am i parentingexpert.

you can justask my husband. i am not aparenting expert.(chuckling) but i do hold a phd indevelopmental psychology, and i am especially interestedin children's development. i'm married and the motherof two girls, ages 5 and 12. as i use the word"parent" today, some of you willthink of yourselves. others of you might begodparents or guardians. some of you can thinkof your own parents

or whoeverraised you. and i'm justkind of curious, how many parents do we havein the audience today? if you'd mindraising your hands. all right. give yourself a hand,'cause parenting's not easy. right?(applause) today, i will be--i will not be discussing specific parentingtechniques.

rather, i'm going topresent you broad principles that you can applyacross a range of parentingsituations. next, i recognizethat family situations vary considerably today. there are nuclear families,divorced families, blended families, and allof this can make parenting more difficult. lastly, as a parent, it seemsyou can do everything right

and still things don'tturn out as you plan. children make mistakes,disorders unfold, life happens. i recall talking aboutrisk factors associated with sudden infant deathsyndrome in class once, and a woman raisedher hand and she said, "my child didn't have anyof those risk factors, "and he diedof sids." so, things happen. before we get into theresearch on parenting,

i think we have to askourselves the question, "why do we do this?" any parents inthe audience, have you ever askedyourself what life would be like if youhadn't made that choice? i was at my parents'house a while back, and i was having kindof a rough parenting day, and i went to getthe mail for them, and i saw this coverof "time" magazine.

"the childfree life." they look so relaxed,don't they? i read the article and ifound it quite interesting. i also know several peoplewho don't have children. and they do seemperfectly content, as the articlesuggests. there's also some researchto suggest that parenting is not synonymouswith happiness. however, i realizethat, for me,

a big part of my lifeis the joy i get from beinga mom. i like beingwith my kids, even if there aresome bad days. perhaps some ofyou feel the same. however, even if we doenjoy being parents, do we really makeany difference? a woman named judith harrisasked this question in her book, "the nurture assumption."

she argued that peersshape development more thanparents do. psychologist sandra scarrand david rowe argued that parents' influenceis primary in terms of thegenetic endowment passed on tothe child. as long as the homeenvironment is good enough-- that is, providing forbasic needs and not harming a child in any way--

how a childturns out is really a result of hisor her genetic propensities, not specific behaviors ordecisions of the parent. in a way, i thinkthis kinda takes a lot of the pressure off of usparents to do the right thing. lastly, there's moreresearch in the past decade about the power of siblingsto shape our personalities. anyone who remembers arguingwith your brothers or sisters as a child can attestto the fact that siblings

help define who we are,how we react to others, and who we become. and so, certainly, parentingis one piece of the puzzle in explaining who we areand who children become. but i like these wordsfrom jerome kagan, a prominent developmentalpsychologist, as he debated with judith harrisabout the role of parents. let's take a listen. >> (judith harris)give it up, guys.

go on outside and see what'shappening out there, okay? >> dr. kagan? >> (jerome kagan)yeah, but i want toask her two questions. yes... we haven't made muchprogress in 50 years. that's right, 'cause theproblem is pretty difficult. but i have twoquestions for you. number one. do you think that the valuesand perspective on society that parents givetheir children

while they still have themin the first ten years. "are peoplegood or bad? "be suspicious or not. "trust or not." which influence youradult personality. do you think children, once theyreach 15 and leave their home, suddenly forgetall those? i hope you believethat they carry them into theiradult lives.

and the secondpoint is this. i happen to be a fan ofautobiographies and memoirs. i bet, in my lifetime,i've read 200. and i can tell you, i have neverread one in which the author-- man or woman, musician orscientist, explorer-- said peers were the mostimportant influence on their lives. and i estimate overthree-quarters said that it wastheir parents--

their parents' valuesand actions toward them that had a profound influenceon what they were like, not as children,but as adults. >> okay. so, for today, let's assumethat parents do matter. i would like everyoneto think for a few moments about their prioritiesin raising children. would you just takea moment with someone who is sitting next to youand look at this list.

if you had to picktwo or three of those as your topparenting priorities, would you please tell yourneighbor what they might be? i'll give you aminute to do that. (general chatter) okay, thank youvery much. in thinking about parenting,most of us realize that our initialsource of knowledge comes fromour own parents.

how many times have you donesomething or said something to say,"oh, my gosh. "i've turned into my dad,"or "turned into my mother." other sources of knowledgecome from parenting blogs, perhaps clergy booksor television, or even intuition. more often, today, whenpeople have a question about raising a child,they turn to the internet. and there are some very helpfulparenting sites out there.

i put up an example of onei thought was pretty good. however, when we're visitingthese websites or blogs, it's important to keep yourcritical thinking skills sharp. and i'd like to share anexample about this with you. i had a student whowas researchingemotional development for an assignment, andshe found this website. at first glance, itappears to be an article linkingbreastfeeding with betteremotional development.

but it'sactually a blog. there is no reference toany scholarly research done on the topic, despite the fact thatthere is a quote that says "researchersclaim" about some data that supposedlywas collected. when i clicked to try to findthe original research, i was taken to another blog witha post written by "dr. greg," whoeverthat may be.

when i clicked on the bluelettering, i thought, "okay. "this is gonna take me tothe original research." however, it just broughtme to another blog. so this is really importantfor us to remember. and i'd like to show you anexample of a better example of how thiscould work. suppose you were researchingstress in children. and here's a website. when you click on thoseblue words that says

"one recent study," it takes you directly tothe scholarly research, so you can see for yourselfthe research that was done to supportthe claim. so, perhaps the best way to feelconfident in the credibility of what you're readingabout child development is to turn yourattention to scholarly, peer-reviewedacademic journals. empirical research providesa systematic way

to explore our questionsabout parenting. researchers utilizethe scientific method to formulate a question,gather data, run statistics, and then develop conclusionsbased on that data. this can provide us answers thatgo beyond simple speculation or opinion. now, as you can guess,researching parenting is not easy to do. how do you measure thecomplex interactions

that make up theparent-child relationship? one woman sought to do this,and her name is diana baumrind. i had the pleasure ofmeeting her years ago when i was ingraduate school. she is now86 years old. back in the late 1960sin berkeley, california, baumrind observedinteractions between mothers and young childrenin their homes. her use of observationinstead of self-report

is considered by many to be thegold standard as a methodology for studying parent-childinteractions. in her originalstudy of parenting, 150 caucasianpreschoolers-- average age of four years--were observed at school and at home during two homevisits of three hours each, followed by astructured interview with the motherand father. the goal of the research wasto describe the parenting

used by the mother. and i should note that,since then, the method has been used withfathers as well. styles were based upon twodimensions that baumrind noticed differedacross mothers. that of warmthand control, or responsivenessand demandingness. so, i'd like to reviewthose types with you. i'm going to quote directlyfrom baumrind's 1967 article,

in which she describesthe styles of the mothers. again, remember,the descriptions could certainly applyto fathers as well. so, first, let's look atthe permissive parent. this parent is high on warmth,but low on control. in baumrind's words,"the permissive parent "attempts to behave ina non-punitive, acceptant, "and affirmative mannertoward the child's impulses, "desires,and actions.

"she consults with himabout policy decisions "and gives explanationsfor family rules. "she makes few demands forhousehold responsibility "and orderly behavior. "she presents herself to thechild as a resource for him "to use as he wishes, not asan ideal for him to emulate, "nor as an active agentresponsible for shaping "or altering his ongoingor future behavior. "she allows the child toregulate his own activities

"as much as possible. "she avoids theexercise of control "and does notencourage him "to obey externally-definedstandards. "she attempts to usereason and manipulation, "but not overt power,to accomplish her ends." so, let's take a lookat a classic clip here from "willy wonka" that'sa little bit dramatic, but i think itgives you the idea.

(clip from "willy wonkaand the chocolate factory") >> harder? 19,000 bars an hourthey're shelling. 760,000 are done so far!>> you promised, daddy! you promised i'd haveit the very first day! >> you're going to be veryunpopular around here, henry, if you don'tdeliver soon. >> it breaks myheart, henrietta. oh, i hate tosee her unhappy.

>> i won't talkto you ever again! you're a rotten,mean father! you never get meanything i want! i won't go to schooltill i have it. >> veruca, sweetheart. angel. now, there are only four ticketsleft in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world'shunting for them! (yelling)what can i do?!

>> (chuckling)okay. so, again, a little dramatic,but you get the idea. who's in chargein that scenario is what you shouldbe asking yourself. let's take a look next atthe authoritarian style. this is a combination oflow warmth and high control. "the authoritarian parentattempts to shape, control, "and evaluate the behaviorand attitudes of the child "in accordance with aset standard of conduct,

"usually an absolute standard,theologically motivated, "and formulated bya higher authority. "she values obedience asa virtue and favors punitive, "forceful measuresto curb self-will "at points where the child'sactions or beliefs "conflict with what shethinks is right conduct. "she believes in keepingthe child in his place, "in restrictinghis autonomy, "and in assigninghousehold responsibilities

"in order to incalculaterespect for work. "she regards thepreservation of order "and traditional structure asa highly valued end in itself. "she does not encourageverbal give-and-take, "believing that the childshould accept her word "for what is right." baumrind adds,"these parents are less warm, "more detached,and controlling." now, i thinkauthoritarian parenting

can run a littlebit on a continuum from astrict parent but who rarely usesphysical punishment to, really, aborderline verbally and physicallyabusive parent. i'd like to sharea clip with you that perhaps doesn't representall of authoritarian parents, but i think it does give youa little bit of an example. (clip from "that '70s show")

(music) >> jeez, i wish i hada quarter for every time i caught you making outwith the neighbor girl! (laugh track) >> wish i had a quarter forevery time you embarrassed me. >> i wish you did, too. 'cause then you'dbe a millionaire and you could findsomeplace else to live! >> what?

leave all this? >> okay, fellas,who wants brownies and a nice glassof milk? >> oh, jeez. >> well, isn'tthis a happy house? >> yeah. >> this is nota happy house. >> well, you just saidthis was a happy house. >> well, that'snot what i meant.

it was sarcasm. >> well, who the hellknows what you mean when you won't saywhat you mean? >> i don't like how you'retreating the children. >> (sighing) look, kitty, i'm notgonna let our kids go down thewrong path. but if you havea better idea... i'm all ears.>> okay.

maybe you could bea little less strict and a littlemore loving. >> okay, kitty, enoughwith the sarcasm. >> oh, no...honey. >> yup, he thoughthe could sneak out. >> so, what now,ho chi minh? >> oh, i'll tellyou one thing. play time is over. your friends are no longerallowed in the house.

>> wait-- what?>> no, no. we'll talk aboutit in the morning. >> fine. we'll talk about how yourfriends are no longer allowed in the house!(laugh track) so, next, let's look atthe authoritative style. "the authoritative parentattempts to direct "the child's activities in arational, issue-oriented manner. "she encourages verbalgive-and-take,

"shares with the child thereasoning behind her policy, "and solicits objectionswhen he refuses to conform. "both autonomous self-willand disciplined conformity "are valued by theauthoritative parent. "therefore, she exertsfirm control at points "of parent-childdivergence, "but does not hem the childin with the restrictions. "she enforces her ownperspective as an adult, "but recognizes the child'sindividual interests

"and special ways. "the authoritative parent "affirms the child'spresent qualities, "but also sets standardsfor future conduct. "she uses reason, power,and shaping by regimen "and reinforcement toachieve her objectives "and does not base herdecisions on group consensus "or the individualchild's desires." so, this style attemptsto balance high-control

with warmth and receptivenessto the child's communication. this helps the child growand learn within a firm, but loving environment. and i'd like to show thisexample from "full house" about authoritativeparenting. (clip from "full house") >> here goes... my science grade was an f andkimmy changed it to an a. >> i'm just guessing she doesn'thave the authority to do this.

>> dad, i'm sorry. but with work andall my other classes, i didn't have time to studyfor my science test. >> then you shouldhave come to me and told me whatwas going on. dj, we had anunderstanding. you want to be aresponsible adult, and this is the leastresponsible thing you could have done.

>> i just wanted to prove thati could earn my own money. >> well, that's allout the window now. because you haveto quit your job and no hanging outdown at the mall until you pull upthat grade. i guess i'll go backto being a kid again. >> deej, there's nothingwrong with being a kid. you should enjoy it. you've got the rest ofyour life to be an adult.

>> well, i guessif being an adult means wearing a red mopon my head, i can handle being a kida little longer. (both chuckling) >> in case i forgot to mentionit, you're a pretty great kid. >> thanks, dad. >> aww. can we all just say,"awww," yeah? so, that's theauthoritative style.

later, baumrind added a categorycalled "permissive neglectful," in which parents havelow-warmth and low control. these parents are basicallyabsent from a child's life. they show littleinterest in parenting. okay. now that we have reviewed thestyles, the question remains-- "can these stylespredict child outcomes?" in other words,"does it matter?" does it matter what styleof parenting you use,

in terms of the traitsor behaviors your child will demonstrateas a result? literally hundredsof studies have utilized baumrind'sparenting styles across a variety offamily situations. i'd like you-- again witha neighbor, please-- to just makesome predictions. from these parentingstyles, what do you-- what kind of child outcomes doyou think would be associated

with each of those? how do you thinkthe kids turn out? i'll give you a minuteto do that, please. (audience stops talking) thank you very much. i will share with yousome of the correlations that havebeen found. now, pleasekeep in mind, these correlationsare generally modest,

but they are statisticallysignificant. in other words, many thingsaffect how a child will turn out. but parenting styles do appearto play an important role. so, let's take a look atthe permissive style. this has correlated with lowlevels of self-reliance, exploration,and self-control. that was from baumrind'soriginal study. other studies found thatchildren of permissive parents

are more likely tohave difficulty controllingtheir behavior. they may be more egocentric,non-compliant, domineering, and have difficulties intheir peer relations. so, maybe you predictedsome of those things. next, when we look atauthoritarian parenting-- that's the more low-warmth,high control parenting. in baumrind's original research,authoritarian parenting was associated with childrenwho were more discontent,

withdrawn, anddistressful-- distrustful comparedto other children. findings from other researchfound that children of authoritarian parents weremore likely to be unhappy, fearful,and anxious about comparingthemselves to others. they also showedless initiative, had weakercommunication skills, and boys especiallyshowed more aggression.

in the teen years, childrenof authoritarian fathers were more likely toabuse substances and show delinquentbehavior. a recent article in the"journal of child development" found that harsh wordsdirected at a teenager in an effort to curb behaviormay actually backfire. in a study of nearly 1,000middle-class families-- majority white,40% african-american families-- teens whose parents usedscreaming, name-calling,

or insults weremore likely to lie, steal, cheat, andfight outside the home... often the very behaviors thatthe parents were trying to stop. now, we haven'tmentioned the elephant in the livingroom here, which is the use of corporalpunishment in parenting. actually, diana baumrindoriginally wrote that a mild amount of physicaldiscipline was not damaging. however, many studies since havefound negative side effects

of harsh corporal punishment,including lower intelligence, fear, and aggressionamong the children. and when you think back to thatlist of parenting priorities we had up here, i don't thinkhaving an aggressive child is high onanyone's list. when we look atauthoritative parenting, there's just a numberof positive outcomes associated with it. these outcomesmake sense to me.

when you balancedemands on a child within an atmosphereof love, a childwill thrive. a recent study byjoseph allen and colleagues at the university of virginiafound that teens who learned to arguewith their parents were more likely to confidentlyresist peer pressure for substance abuse. i'd like to play you ashort clip about this.

>> --can providelife-long benefits. >> almost all parentsand teenagers argue, but psychologist joseph allen,with the university of virginia, says it's how they argue thatmakes all the difference. >> we tell parents tothink of those arguments not just asa nuisance. think of them as acritical training ground. >> training in how to argue withcalm and persuasive points. not with yelling, whining,threats, or insults.

in allen's study, 15713-year-olds were videotaped describing their biggestdisagreement with parents. the most common argumentswere over grades, chores, money, and friends. the tape was then playedfor both parent and teen. >> parents reacted in awhole variety of ways. you know, some of themlaughed uncomfortably. some of themrolled their eyes. and a number of them doveright in and said, "okay.

"let's talkabout this." and talking seriouslyabout it, says allen, is exactly whatparents should do. >> we found that what a teenlearned in handling these kinds of disagreementswith their parents was almost exactly what theytook into their peer world. >> the peer world, with allits pressures to conform to risky behavior likedrugs and alcohol. allen interviewed theteens again at 15 and 16.

>> the teens who learnedto be calm and confident and persuasivewith their parents acted the same way whenthey were with their peers. >> and were able toconfidently disagree. saying no, they didn't wantto do drugs or drink alcohol. in fact, they were40% more likely to say no than kids who didn'targue with their parents. for those kids, it was anentirely different story. >> they would backdown right away.

they would say, "well, i wasgonna talk about curfews, "but i know you don't wantme to have a late curfew, "so i guess we'reokay on that." and, from interviewingthose teens, we knew they weren'tokay about it. we knew they werejust backing down. that somewhere, they hadlearned there's no point in arguingabout this. and those were the teens thatwe really had to worry about.

those were the teens that,when their friends would say, "hey, let's go out andget drunk tonight," those were the teens thatwould say, "well, okay." >> bottom line? effective arguing acted assomething of an inoculation against negativepeer pressure. kids who felt confidentto express themselves to their parentsalso felt confident being honest withtheir friends.

so, in thinking aboutthese parenting styles, you might assume thatthings are clear cut. however, we all know thingsdon't work out that way. for one thing, what if twoparents in the same household have differentparenting styles? it's obviously difficult tomeasure the effect of this. what about parentinggirls versus boys? any difference there,do you think? first-borns versuslater-born children?

special needs children? temperamentallydifficult children. all of these issues can affectthe way parents parent. however, with a few exceptions,overall authoritative parenting is linked with positivechild outcomes in research across a wide rangeof ethnic groups, cultures, family structures,and social class. however, thereis some evidence that baumrind's originalparenting styles

might not apply as wellin some ethnic groups. for example, ina study published in the "family process journal,"61% of latino parents that were studied adoptedwhat the researchers called a "protectiveparenting" style. this is high in warmth,high in control, but low inautonomy-granting. now, this study did notexplore the correlation between that styleand child outcomes...

which would beinteresting. a study in spain foundthat permissive parenting was associated with positiveacademic achievement for the children. however, it should be noted thisstudy was based on self-report, not direct observationof parenting styles, and that may affectthe results. studies of asian-americanparenting have linked authoritarianparenting

with positive academicachievement among children. ruth chao introducedthe concept of "training" among chinese parentsin her 1994 article in "child development." she noted that chineseparents train children to conform tosocially desirable and culturallyapproved behavior. more recently, amy chuare-ignited the conversation about chineseparenting in her memoir

"battle hymn ofthe tiger mother." this was a book thatspurred passionate debate on parenting blogs andtelevision networks everywhere. research onafrican-american parenting has also not followeda straightforward path of parenting styleto child outcomes. studies among lower incomeafrican-american populations found that the authoritarianstyle predicted academic success among childrenand teens.

authors of these studieshave suggested that, in someneighborhoods, being strictis vital... and strictness is seenas a sign of love. however, a 2002 study ofafrican-american mothers by jane queridoand colleagues controlled for socioeconomicstatus in their research. they found thatthe majority of middle-classafrican-american mothers

used the authoritativestyle of parenting, with very littlephysical punishment. these authors assertthat the real variable is socioeconomic status,not ethnicity. so, clearly, more researchis needed on the effects of these parenting stylesfor different groups. regardless of the styleof parenting chosen, all parents todayface daily decisions about raisinga child.

there are so many issuesthat we could discuss today. nutrition, sleep, technology,sports, drug use. you name it, parents aredealing with it to some degree. parentingis not easy. but today, i would liketo spend some time talking about how to nurturethis magnificent organ of ours called the brain. particularly in theearly years of life. there's a great awarenesstoday about the importance

of stimulating children'scognitive development in those early years,say ages birth to six. thanks to our advances inneuroscience-- look it-- he's got a shower cap onhis head with electrodes to measure hisbrainwaves. this is advancementsin neuroscience. we're able to explore thenature of the human brain in ways unforeseenin decades past. in addition, both animal andhuman research has highlighted

the importance of the earlyyears in shaping the brain. these are images of slices ofa human cortex of the brain at various ages,taken at autopsy. you can see that thebranching of dendrites increases greatly fromzero to two years of age. this is a good thing. this means that neural pathwaysare being formed. this is followed by pruning,in which the brain cuts away unused or unnecessaryneural connections

to make the brainmore efficient. the question is, "howdoes the brain move "from looking like it does atbirth to there, at 24 months?" part of it issimply maturation. as we age, ourneurons connect. however, experience playsa vital role, as well. animal research has shown usthat experience is important in making theseneural connections. take this exampleby michael nielsen

and his colleagues. this control group of ratsgot to stay in boring cages, day after day. but the other treatmentgroup got the equivalent of rat disneyland. and they found that the ratsin the disneyland version had increased neurogenesisin parts of the brain related to learningand memory. so, this tells usexperiences matter.

in humans, we have disturbingexamples of the impact of early deprivationon the brain. this image is of childrenin romanian orphanages under the dictatorshipof nicolae ceausescu. he outlawedbirth control until a woman had atleast five children, wanting to createan army of workers. unfortunately, the familiescouldn't afford the children and the state convinced themthat the orphanages were fine.

that they couldraise the children. sadly, there are stillover 70,000 children in these orphanages today. but, as you can seefrom these images, studies have foundconsiderable deficits in areas of the brain related tolanguage, social behavior, motor skills, and emotionaldevelopment among children in orphanages. compared to children who havesomeone to hug, hold, comfort,

and read to them. i recognize thatbrain imaging studies can't definitivelyindicate cause-effect, but i think, in this case,it's pretty obvious the source ofthe differences. so, clearly, we havesome telling evidence that infants andchildren need us. the brain needsenvironmental input in order todevelop properly.

i'd like you to, again,please take a minute with your neighbor... and just take a lookat these examples. what do you thinkof these ideas for stimulatingcognitive development in the first fewyears of life? good ideas? what do you think? thank you.

as the research on braindevelopment has made its way into popular culture, it seemsto me that the toy companies have convincedmany parents that the key to successfulbrain development is through infant dvds, computergames that teach the alphabet, and expensive programslike, "your baby can read." so, i'd like to show youan example of a parent who stronglybelieves this idea. >> these are flash cardsfor multiplication.

it's never too soon to getstarted on this type of thing. i mean, we justbought these recently, and some peoplemight say, you know, of course she's notready for this. but unless you try, how doyou know they're not ready? maybe she'll get it. she's gonna bethree this summer, so we're gonnaget started. she's got maracas anda tambourine, right?

because we think the artsare very important. we want her tobe well rounded. and, also, when she goes toschool, this is important. and we had her in-- i had herin music together classes, which is a mommy and memusic program. before she was a year, westarted going to those, and they learnall about rhythms. a lot of theseprograms are fun, too, but, you know, we alwayswant to be remembering

what our final goal is. we just have to gether into something. she just has to get intoone of the programs. i mean,i don't know. maybe she could get--worst case scenario, we would put her inone of the preschools that will takealmost anybody, but i hope it doesn'tcome to that. i want to try to get herinto one of the best programs so

she can be preppedfor later in life. >> (baby speaking,gibberish). >> and i think that's important,that she does get to play. you know, that shegets fresh air and that she getsout to play. but most of the day, i think it's better forher to have structure, because i see so many kidsare just sitting around watching tvall day,

and they're justwasting their time. if you want your childto get ahead and accomplish things in life,they just have to do it. they just have to reallystep up to the plate. ironically, a studyamong infants found a negative correlationbetween infant videos and languagedevelopment. the more hoursof dvd videos infants ages 8-16 monthswatched,

the lower their score on ameasure of communication. infants don't learn languageby watching a video. they learn it throughhuman interaction. having a smart childin today's world seems to have become atop priority for parents. and it feels to me like thepressure on young children to produce and performhas intensified. don't misunderstand me. i want a successful childas much as the next person.

but if we look at thoseparenting priorities, i do wonder, "has havingan intelligent child "become the toppriority?" i saw this billboard onthe side of a bus once. i fully supportbreastfeeding. there are many benefitsassociated with it. but clearly, the implicationand purpose of this ad is to say if a womantries breastfeeding, she will increase thechance that her child

will become a rocketscientist in the future. and then, there is thehonor roll bumper sticker. now, i asked some of my studentswhat they think about this, and we agreed that we don'thave anything against them. it's great to beproud of your child. but is it possible thatit might create pressure for your child? i'm using it here todayas just another example of how important being smarthas become to parents.

then, of course, there'sthe rebuttal sticker. (audience laughing) the "my snake is smarter thanyour honor student" sticker. and i've neverseen any of-- anyone's car have thesetwo on the bottom here, but i would loveto see it. and i thought, "well,maybe some parents assume "'of course my kid's kind,but making the honor roll "'is anaccomplishment.'"

but i would argue that, today,with the problems we have with social crueltyand bullying, being kind is definitelyan accomplishment. a student in one of my onlinecourses wrote recently that a child shouldknow how to read before he or sheenters kindergarten, and i thought, "how didthey get that idea?" do you rememberkindergarten? when i was inkindergarten,

back in the day...(laughing) we played and we colored,we even had a rest time. and it was only ahalf-day kindergarten. and i loved school. today, experts assertthat kindergarten is much more likefirst grade. children are frequentlytested on their skills. the curriculum ismuch more rigorous. they have homework.

and that led me to ask,"are children ready "for this ramped-upcurriculum?" are children really smartertoday that they can handle this? according to the gesellinstitute for human development, the answer is no. at least for theaverage child. in a nationwide studyof 1,200 children, the average age amongthree- to six-year-olds for drawing a triangle orcounting four pennies,

was the same todayas it was in 1925, when arnold gesell conductedhis original research. marcy guddemi, the directorof the gesell institute, states, "people thinkchildren are smarter "and that they're able todo these things earlier "than they used to be able to,and they can't." i would argue thatsome children can, but it's the ones that can'tthat i'm concerned about. so, let's get back to this ideaof how do we nurture the brain

in those earlyyears of life? what shouldwe be doing? talk to a child. in a longitudinal study, hartand risley observed mothers and infants intheir homes. they found a positivecorrelation between the number of wordsthe child heard during infancy, starting at ten months, and the child'svocabulary at age three.

in a year, children inprofessional families heard an average of 6 millionmore words than children in middle-classfamilies. and 8 million morewords than children in welfare families. the range was actually32 million words. and the amount of wordsheard by an infant translated into his or hervocabulary development at age three.

preschoolers of professionalparents spoke about 1,100 words, in working class familiesabout 750, and in welfare familiesabout 500 words. so, what doesthis tell you? talk to infants. when you're in the grocerystore with your 10-month-old, talk aboutwhat you see. who cares if people thinkyou look kinda crazy talking to a10-month-old, right?

it will help theirvocabulary development. in research thati published under the directionof fred morrison at loyola universityof chicago, we found that the strongestpredictor of a child's reading and vocabulary skills uponentering kindergarten was the literacyenvironment of the family. did they readto the child? did they monitor howmuch tv he watched?

did they take herto the library? these are notexpensive things to do. but they take effortand consistency. and they make a huge differencein the cognitive development of a child. if you don't believe me,i'll show you a clip here from jim carrey, andmaybe you'll believe him. let's see. (applause)

>> you know, i readto my daughter, and i am, you know,reading to jackson, and i read tojenny's son, evan. and it's alwaysbeen so much fun. i really wanted to--with this book, i wanted to be part of themoment at the end of the day when parents puteverything else away, and they give their kidsthat undivided attention that they so need,you know?

it's the most important thingin the world to a kid. it really is. 'cause it tells themthat they mean something. they're important. and, you know, they don'trob banks when they grow up. they makebetter choices, you know, if you dothat kind of-- so, creating thatliteracy environment. another idea is to simplyenjoy music and art together.

but, again,in a fun way. my husband grows a garden withour girls' help every year. and this is such a greatway for them to learn and have a senseof accomplishment when they see that end productthat they've created. and there's so manylearning opportunities that can happen informally whenyou create a garden together. it's not worksheets thatyou're doing together, but the learning happens asyou have those conversations.

as you're choosingout the seeds-- "how many should youhave for each row?" that kind of a thing. you can talk aboutvegetables and fruits. i don't know if you realize, butthere's a substantial portion of children today who don'tknow that french fries come from potatoes. so, you can just-- you cantalk about these things and the learning happens--again, informally.

one of the best ways to nurtureyour child's development is simply to play. allow them time to playand to play with them. when you play with a child, youare being given the opportunity to see what is so very importantto him or her at the time. for younger kids, you mightpretend to be a customer at the restaurant or asuperhero on their team. for older kids, you mightplay catch, shoot hoops, go see some music togetheror a sporting event.

and, please, turn off yourcell phone when you do it. as much as possible, kidsneed us to be there for them and fully presentwhen we play with them. a survey conducted by the ymcafound that teenagers wished that their parents wouldspend more time with them. they frequently nameda parent as their hero. they valued the timewith their family. now, i'm gonnatake a risk here, but i'd like to share afew examples with you,

from my ownhousehold, of how learning canhappen through play. my daughter and her friend hada pumpkin sale the other day on the driveway, and,as they did it, it was so interesting thatthey talked about the shapes of the pumpkins, thesize of the pumpkins. this girl chargedme $20 a pumpkin, and then my daughtersaid, "no, it's okay. "you can just pay a dollar."(chuckling)

so they're-- again, they'relearning through their play. this is an example where we'resorting letters together. i'll show you just alittle bit of this. >> just startedrecording. >> r!>> r! >> awesome! all rs? cool. let's put themin a pile.

all right, nowwhat do we do? >> another p.>> found a letter p? there's a letter p! cool, do we alreadyhave a group of ps? >> umm, no. >> okay, so again-- this one,to me, isn't pretend play, which is whati would rather see, but the atmosphere in which wedid this-- it was not about, "you have to getthese letters right."

it's just fun. you just keep it casualand fun and they'll learn. and this is aexample of charades. all right, we got a littlecharades going on, here, with the byerwalters--who's up next? >> my turn!>> okay, emma. what do you got?>> an animal. okay? >> a unicorn!

>> a dancing princess... on a pizza! >> elephant.>> a snake. >> (laughing)no! >> i'm chopping it! >> oh, honey.>> you okay? >> yeah!>> okay, you gotta be careful. >> you are a-->> dancing pillow! >> a bird?>> a crunchy pillow?

>> alligator! >> you are a-->> aardvark! >> aardvark,i like that. i kind of likea hedgehog. are you a hedgehog?>> (laughing) no. here, doesthat work better? >> a shark!>> yes! >> okay, ellie--what have you got? >> i have a cardbehind me.

>> you're a ballerina.>> slow down, el. slow down. >> maybe youshouldn't spin. >> (indistinct speaking). (all laughing) >> can you actsomething out? can you be something? okay, you can alsolearn a bit about where your child's cognitivedevelopment level is

as you play a gamelike that, right? so, i would just say take timeto interact with your child and the learningwill come. your child will not onlybecome smarter as a result, but he or she will haveyour love and attention, which is really what a childwants and needs the most. so, i would concludewith this slide. think of your child lessas a product to create and more as a personto enjoy.

so, we have sometime for questions. >> (inaudible speaking). >> oh, thank you! she said i dida great job. >> i have a personalexperience i don't really knowhow to handle. my son is really good at home,but then when i bring him-- when he goes to school,he acts out. and i feel like, at home,i'm doing a really good job

(indistinct speaking)... he's sowell-mannered... and he's alsoautistic as well. so, she had a question about herchild who suffers from autism and just how difficult it is forher with the parenting at home versus out at schooland out in the world. and i would be happyto talk with you more, maybe evenafter the talk. again, because whenever youhave a specific situation

when it comesto parenting, i don't think thereis one right answer, and sometimesit's hard to know without knowingthe full situation. but, again, i think youcan take these principles that we've talked about todayand try to apply them. but i'd be happy to talkwith you more about it. in the back row. >> about, like,when you were talkingabout the kindergartners.

when i was in-- i wentthrough preschool and then, becausehow i was, my parents thought i neededto go to kindergarten again. and that actually did help mewith kind of the learning curve, i guess you'd say. >> so he's talking,really, about when do you have achild start kindergarten. and there's--that's a great question and the research has reallytried to look at that.

i find it kind of interestingthat different states have different cut-off agesfor how old a child has to be when they goto kindergarten. and the research wouldsay that, academically, often if your childmakes the cut-off, go ahead andsend them. but sometimes, socially iswhere parents also think about, "does my child maybeneed that extra year?" yes?

>> i was wondering--you have a child-- sometimes, like--can both parents-- say both parentsare, like-- one is the oppositeof the other. so, one is like really(indistinct) to the child, you know,more talkative. and the other one is,like, the authoritarian. so, like, my daughter--with everybody else... (indistinct).

>> right-- so hisquestion was, again, looking at what i mentionedearlier about what happens when you have two parents withdifferent parenting styles. and can you guess kindawhat the traditionalframework is for that? the mother tends tobe more... permissive. you know, and thetraditional structure was dad was moreauthoritarian. but, as you say, sometimesthat can make it difficult for the child.

and again, the researchreally has had a hard time looking at thatcombination. how do you sort out whatgoes with what parent and what the effectsof that are? i think, you know, the bestthing is if both parents can get on board withthat authoritative style. so, maybe the one who'smore strict needs to learn to show a little love-- say "i love you"once in a while,

give them a hug, cut themsome slack once in a while. and then, maybe themore permissive one needs to learn that it'sokay to say "no" to a child. you know? you will surviveif you say "no." and so will they, right? would parents be more--have more difficulty with how tocontrol the child because they don't understandhow to do it, per se.

like they're alwaystrying to show love, but having the cut offpoint of what not to do. well, as it pertainsto my (indistinct) or it's just thembeing a child and not listeningto mommy and daddy. >> yeah, i would say that'seven more of a comment than a question. she was just saying how when youhave a special needs child, it can be hard tosort out whether this

is just typicalchild behavior or whether it's an example ofthe child's special needs. and so, i feelfor you on that, because i'm sure that's verydifficult to do some days. >> do you think thatreadiness assessments for kindergartenare positive or negative? it takes about 25 minutesfor them to assess if your child'sready or not. i don't know ifthey're effective.

i don't feelthat they are. i feel that it doesn't giveenough time to see a child, but i was just kindof wondering-- she's asking about kindergartenreadiness assessments. and i don't know enoughabout that, probably, to answerit for you. but i would say that whati've seen in the literature is different districts seem tohave different assessments associated with whethera child is ready or not.

so, i remember reading once that65% of kindergarten teachers said that they didn't thinkthe children had the skills they wanted them to. and what kindergartenteachers are looking for is "can they sit still? "can they payattention? "do they have thosesocial skills?" not, "do they know their colors,their shapes, and numbers?" which seems to be thefocus for so many people.

but-->> going off of that. i have a sister who went toa school in comstock park and then she transferredover to kentwood, and she had to end up repeating,like, the first grade because kentwood didn't feelthat she was ready enough based off of what shelearned in comstock park. and then, i also think thata lot of our society is so technology-based. like, she's in the first gradeand she has to do online math

and readingand everything. and it's just, like, withthem having reading online versus her, like, readingthe physical book in front of her and gettingto sound everything out. like, i don't know ifi'm mishearing the way that she's learningand that kind of thing. so, you're lookingkind of a little bit about the child's individuallearning style as well, and the whole technologyis so interesting.

so, kindergartners are takingtech literacy class once a week to learn how to use thosecomputers and things. we have timefor one more. >> to kind of go offof what she was saying, i think kids should be ableto learn at their own pace. i know i had ahard time learning at what the school's pace waswith math. learning english even.>> right. so, you're seeing the need fora bumper sticker that says,

"my child can learnat his own pace." (chuckling)that would be very good. yes, i agree. all right,thank you very much.