hi there i'm lori petro and you are watchinganother episode of our weekly q&a where i show you how to create teachable moments withyour kids. so, what's your parenting style? see the quizzes,the buzz words like ap parenting or maybe you’ve participated in the mommy wars?when we think of discipline - most people think of parenting styles as being authoritarian- which is typically viewed as strict but too domineering,or we have authoritative - seen as just the right amount as firmness and responsive.and of course we have the permissive parent - heaven forbid you are too lenient with yourkids you will be called out for the downfall of societyi don't really like labels unless their leading
us to new information.i mean who hasn't been too strict or too lenient at one time or another.i don't think judging or comparing your "parenting style" against what others are doing is goingto help you become more conscious of the state of your relationships and aware of your emotionsand reactions. that is what i want you to look at today,your emotions and reactions. instead of putting yourself in that parenting box labeling your"style" i want you to ask yourself. what is my probableparenting response? what's your default when no one is lookingand your kids aren't listening? this is going to tell you a lot about thestate of your child's resources and abilities.
are you a yeller?"what have you just done? you better listen to me when i say something."yellers scream now and ask questions later. are you an explainer? "i know you're sad butwe have to leave now so that we can be home in time for daddy. you want to see daddy don'tyou. you've had plenty of time to play and nowwe need to leave because i gave you a warning. there is no reason to get upset. explainers want kids to accept (quietly) thelimits and so they sometimes over-do it with logic, guilt and rationalizing. maybe you are a negotiator "if you eat yourdinner then you can have dessert. one more
minute and then the game goes off. i meanit this time." you negotiators are the debate masters. yourkids learn to have as many comebacks as you do. next we have our resisters -- "no, i won'tspeak to you if you're going to act like this. you don't make me want to help you with thatattitude, go to your room, i don't want to see you until..." resisters tend to push away connection andfavor ignoring. but this is a power play that we use when we feel stressed, a lack of controlor disrespected. and finally - are you a giver?"you’ll'' be okay. it's no big deal. here
this, eat this, look over here. don't be sad."do you tense up when your child melt down? is your knee jerk reaction to indulge yourchild's whims or stop the crying and arguing by retracting your limits. givers tend togive in to conflict because they find it difficult to withstand their child's or their own strongemotions. these 5 parenting reactions are common, understandableattempts at keeping the peace, maintaining order and creating respectful environments,it's just that when we resort to any of these 5 parenting reactions, you end up causingmore chaos and conflict than what you started with. you have less influence because those strategiesinhibit the development of two core skills
- empathy and self-regulation.so, today i want to share with you strategies for overcoming whatever your probably parentingresponse is. okay - yellers, commit to recognizing whenyou yell. write it down so it becomes real for you. is there a pattern? you might findcertain triggers that you can control by meeting your needs and being proactive. you can reduce your impulse to yell by makingsome small adjustments in your routines or self-care.if you want to reduce the fighting and aggression you see in you kids - take those first stepsto get a handle on your own anger. explainers, you like to talk. this genuinebut misguided effort to get your kids to "accept"
limits - or more likely - quietly agree withthem -- you tend to give lots of reasons and rational explanations which make a lot ofcognitive sense. but here's the thing - your kids are not havinga thinking problem - your kids are stuck in an emotional storm unable to access the thinkingbrain, which is why their refusal or defiance seems so irrational to you, but you can'tdiscipline them into maturity. so explainers, my tip for you is just stoptalking. use the silence to practice regulating your own emotions. set the limit and thenlet your children have their anger, upset or frustration. you'll have a better chance at reaching acooperative place if you stay non-reactive
but understanding. if you need to say something, be kind. youcan say "this feels unfair. and you're not sure you can handle it."negotiators, you are similar to the explainers but even more worn-out by stress, work orthe demands of your kids. you think if you give in a little - some compromisethat you kids should be more willing to see it your way and go along. you might offer rewards or dangle privilegesin an attempt to exert influence but you're likely only getting short term compliance. so negotiators - i want you to get emotional.drop the logic and the bargaining and use
the skill that children need to organize theirthinking, regain control of their bodies and adapt their behaviors. that skill is empathy. when kids feel understoodand you're not engaging in a battle of wills, they calm faster and develop maturity. so focus on decoding the message of behaviorto hear the feelings, as you model self-regulation for your kids.resisters, you have a real challenge ahead of you. there are feelings you don't likeseeing or hearing. abandoning or removing yourself shows youchild that they have a lot of power and control over you.
that doesn't give them much confidence tohave power and control over their own emotions if they have to rely on checking how theymake you feel. don’t use your anger or emotions to coerce your child. know that young children cry and push andyell when they get mad and that it is not only possible but imperative that you allowemotions (not unsafe behaviors - but feelings).the feelings that kids experience about what ishappening to them need to be validated. you can say, “you’re mad that we're notplaying and it's time to go to bed. i won't let you break anything. you can use bean bagto release that frustration. “stay with your kids to provide them with opportunitiesfor coping with their emotions until they
learn to access those tools on their own. and my givers, you are the ultimate bleedingheart, hopeless romantic, or maybe a wounded soul. you don't like to see anyone hurt, especiallyyour children, and you'll do anything to make those horrible emotions go away - yours andtheirs. so your practice is to get good at being okwhen your child isn't. not feeling that you need to fix, change or do something otherthan maintain safety and connection. sit with emotions. be silent if you need,like the explainers, and don't say yes or give in to stop emotional reactions. but giveyour child the space to feel and recover from his disappointment or anger on his own timeline.okay that was my teachable moment for you.
and now, i'd love to hear from you - whichof these habitual patterns do you resonate with most and how are you going to implementthe strategies with your kids? i'd love to hear your thoughts - they inspireme and you never know but your story might just the thing to inspire someone else towardmaking the changes they were looking for. did you like this video? i'd love it if youwould share it with someone you love or on your fav social media site. and if you want more tips and tools like thisbe sure to get on over to teach-through-love.com and signup for email updates and you can subscriberight here to my youtube channel. until next time, please remember, it’s about consciousnessnot perfection.
and while you are at it make sure you aresubscribed right here to my youtube channel because i add new videos all the time. and if you really want to start changing theway you speak - you gotta see my brand new
four part parenting series - conscious communicationtips - it's free and it's just for you. you can check it all out when you subscribefor updates at teach-throughlove.com. thank you for watching and for sharing. untilnext time please remember it's about consciousness not perfection.
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