parenting tools

[music] welcome to guiding parents in the age of overindulgence. i am ellie mccann and i am an extension educator in the center for family development and i am joined today by jean illsley clarke. hi, it's great to be here. do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself. sure, i am part of the research team. we are working on the impact of childhood overindulgence on adult minds. this has been an amazing experience because we've had so many surprises. you'll learn about some of the surprises today, and i hope you'll approach them with gusto and make sense of them in your own lives. so, a little bit about our hour together today. we are going to learn about the overindulgence research that jean just referred to.

were going to give an overview of parenting in the age of overindulgence, which is an online course for parents and we're going to begin to explore tools for parents who are encountering overindulgence. today's webinar is being recorded for future viewing. if you have questions on any of the content during the webinar, please type that into the q & a panel at the bottom. if you have technical difficulties today, please feel free to chat with one of the hosts. we also have others in the room with jean and i today. dung mao and hannah jastrom are working with our technology pieces and questions. and they will be helping us along the way. and lisa krause is also in the room, who is part of our overindulgence team. we have a question that we would like you to respond to, to begin our webinar.

in your experience does overindulgence, come up seldom, sometimes or frequently? if you could put your response in the polling panel, that would be great. 39%, correct, say sometimes, 33% say frequently, o say seldom. how about that. it's everywhere. it is everywhere. and we are learning to recognize it. so, what is the research behind parenting in the age of overindulgence. since 1996 jean illsley clarke, connie dawson and david bredehoft have collaborated together on overindulgence research. they have completed 10 research studies with over 3500 research participants, that have really provided a lot of insight

into childhood overindulgence, and the subsequent effects on adults. they have co-authored and revised this research into practical implications and potential applications in the book, "how much is to much". raising likeable, responsible respectful children from toddlers to teens in an age of overindulgence. so, what is overindulgence? overindulging children is really giving them too much of what looks good to soon and for too long.

it's giving them things or experiences that are really not appropriate for their ages, their interests and their talents. it's a process of giving things to children to meet the adult needs, not the child's. overindulgence is giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meeting the children's needs but it does not. so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm or at least prevents a person from developing and deprives that person of achieving his or her full potential.

overindulgence is also a form of child neglect. it hinders children from performing their developmental tasks and from learning necessary life lessons. so, how did we get all that dreadful information. well, we got it from adults who had been overindulged as children. we did a long series of in depth interviews and at the time that i started those, people weren't talking about overindulgence. so, the interviewees wanted to talk with me a long, long time. all of them said, at the end of the interview, you are the first person that has ever listened. that has ever listened. i want to give the definition now. all right. at the end of an interview i would say, what is the definition of overindulgence. and, they would tell me something and then they would point a finger at my head or at my heart and say,

you include that. okay. so, the really long definition, this is the one that's in the book, "how much is to much"? overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good, to soon and for to long. it is giving them things or experience that are not appropriate for their age, or their interests and talents. it's a process of giving things to children to meet the adults needs, not the child's. and, i will talk a little more about that because that's really surprising. overindulgence is giving a disproportional amount of family resources to one or more children in a way

that appears to be made in the children's needs, but does not. another surprise. so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. one of them said to me with real longing in his eyes, they gave me things and i wanted them. overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm. or at least prevents a person from developing and deprives a person of achieving his or her full potential. it's a form of child neglect. now, ellie went through those things. and i gave you that complete definition. that's too long for me to carry around in my mouth. so my short definition is, it's giving to much, to soon or to long. anything that gets in the way of a child's development.

let me whisk through the research and then we'll look at some of the impact. we've completed ten studies of which i am very proud. and each study has from three to six major conclusions. i am going to pull one conclusion out of each one and perhaps that will give you an idea of something you would like to pursue further.

and you can find more information about all of these at the overindulgence web site. overindulgence.info. well give you that again at the end. so let's say that joe, has got really involved in looking at study one and there were six big results in that, but the one that he really focused on is that overindulgence is complex and beside to many things it involved soft structure, and over nurture. i like to think of too many things is here have some more. i like to think of soft structure as no rules, no chores, and that's what people told us they resented. and i like to think of over nurture as let me do that for you honey. or i've already done that for you. that is also highly resented. let's say that nancy looked at study two. which looks among other things, at dysfunctional life attitudes and found that its contributes to adolescents and young adulthood dysfunctional thinking.

certainly not what we intend when we give too much. let's say that sarah looked at study three, which moved from looking at kids and youth to looking at adult's. particularly at parents and found that the more highly someone was overindulged as a child the more apt they were to say, about there own parenting, my child controls my life, i have little control over my child, and appallingly, neither my child nor myself is responsible for his or her behavior. and i spent some time thinking about children raised by parents who have those beliefs

and how those children are going to act in the work place, if they don't get this corrected between let's say that jose looked at studies four and eight and those two studies go together, because they're about parenting styles. baumrind's authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. and when we did study four, mostly women responded, so later on we did study eight, which used exactly the same study, but was only for dad's,

and found that we thought that permissive parenting, you know, it's okay honey do what ever you like, would have the most overindulgent parents. i thought that was the only one. and what the research showed us was that, authoritarian parents, or my way or the highway parents also tended to overindulge. and as i thought about that, you know, we all want good things for our children. this comes from a good heart. so, if i have been really authoritarian and rigid, i may have moments when i think, you know i did to much of that,

i'll make it up by getting the kids a new boat or some such. let's say that jane looked at study 5, which is about adult relationships. and out of the seven big findings of that, she chose to think about the fact that people were overindulged as children tend to choose a partner who will overindulge them, and as i thought about it, i thought well that makes sense, because when we look for a partner we look for somebody who feels familiar and if i was highly overindulged as a child and i meet a potential partner who was also highly overindulged, were going to have a lot in common.

this is going to feel really familiar. so when i thought more about this, i think it's not so surprising. my most unfavorite study is study six, and gail looked at that and i had some consternation in the middle of the interpretations of this study. because this study is about how i view myself and plan to focus my life and the more people are overindulged, the more they said that their focus, their goals in life were wealth, fame and image. so i was talking with dave bredehoft about it and i said, i don't think wealth is bad, i wish everybody had enough and i don't think fame is bad if someone really wants to be famous. you know, let them be. maybe paris hilton carried it a little bit far, but not so bad. and image is to have people comment on how attractive and stylish they are i like to look at people who look well dressed. and so, i thought, well those aren't so bad. and dave said, wait a minute. the rest of the study says

what are your least important aspirations, and this is the one that just grinds me into the ground. i don't care about creating meaningful relationships, a loving connection with someone, don't care about personal growth, learning new things, having a meaningful life. do not care about community contributions. not willing to work for the betterment of the community. not willing to do something good for another person unless it directly benefits them and when i think about having a personal actors on my team in person like this on my team in the workplace or on my committee in some organization, i just cringe. when carol looked at study seven, she found that, that is a retest in which we had done a reliability study. and we now have 14 items that can measure the amount of childhood overindulgence that a person has experienced. and this has helped us to no end in our

research because overindulged is on a continuum. there are people who had almost none, and people had some, and people who had a whole lot, and then we compare the two ends as to the differences and so it's very helpful to have this 14 item measure. tracy looked at study eight and that is a very broad study. one of the things that it included is ability to delay gratification and found that overindulgence while those with an inability to delay gratification and i want it, and i want it now. and that in children we notice unappreciativeness and ungratefulness, or it's easier to say lack of appreciation and lack of being grateful. and also in the adults. brenda looked at study nine and

this is the one that's a repeat of study four. and in this one we found the same impact in adult life, but one change that we found within this study is that in the beginning study, in study one, which was done in 2007. mothers were indulging more than fathers and in 2013 when we did study nine, fathers were indulging more than mothers. but mothers don't lean back on your laurels, because they weren't indulging a whole lot more. and the mothers were still having at it. and that's a study that we include in our parents forever curriculum. right. along with our parenting styles. right. so parents can really look at, where am i at

in my style and how might that be affecting if i am overindulging. right. and then sandy looked at study ten, and there are five big findings in that. and the one that stopped her. this is a study where we look at is overindulgence the same as helicopter parenting. and we found that children who were overindulged were mainly parented by helicopter parents, but not exclusively. you can overindulge without hovering. the one that really sandy focused on, is that adults who were overindulged, highly overindulged, in childhood feel they are entitled to more of everything than they deserve. and that they deserve more than other people, so there's no equity in that, and so of course i get more, and also

we had another study in there on spiritual involvement and found that the more people are overindulged the less interested they were in spiritual growth. so, that gives you a quick overview. there is more on the web site, overindulgence.info. and, you only got one finding out of each study.

so, what's the impact? it's painful to the child and the people around them. ellie alternate these with me. well, children may like being overindulged at times but overindulgence can be also very painful to themselves and to the people around them. overindulgence is more than spoiling. we think of spoiled children, you know, they just break boundaries, are demanding and interrupt, and so on and so forth. but some

overindulged children have very good social manners. because that's been the bargain, you get, you create good manners, you make me look good and i'll buy you whatever you like. right. overindulged children often become, then along with that, very demanding and unappreciative. children who are overindulged lessons. music, sports, dance, etc. may have admirable performance skills but lack everyday life skills.

i'm thinking about a girl i hired to do some work for me. a girl who was a beautiful athlete, and she had never had, she was 17, and she had never had a vacuum cleaner in her hands. also people who were overindulged as children suffer later in life when they run into situations where their overblown sense of entitlement is resented, and when they lack skills other people take for granted. and you know, i think that is one of those pieces that can show in an office environment or a workplace environment as adults. as people that it does tend to not really enjoy working with.

right. so, we'll give you the rest of the bad news really quickly because we got a lot of good news. what did people say in the study where, that was very open ended, and where people gave us their words, not just checking forms. i feel sad and angry when i don't get my way or don't get what i want. i often feel disappointed in others and feel let down by them. again, the more i give, the more i expect back. i'm so far in debt that i can't see the light of day. i'm overweight and i'm too tired. i am discontented, overweight, enjoy cocktails, over cook and over feed children or guests, or don't

feed them at all. don't set enough reasonable limits, have trouble budgeting time and money. and one person said, i am fat and i still feel empty. so wind is filled out a sentence hazards of reductions trouble learning to delay gratification trouble filling giving up status as a constant center of attention to teach them trouble become incompetent and everyday stilts self tuner and relating to others trouble taking personal responsibility

to lead a look and a sense of personal identity trouble knowing what is enough trouble knowing what is normal for other people since this is so grim and why is it that parents overindulge play and the first thing we used the blair witch and or people wanted their children things that they can be a lot about what we found out in the studies is that overindulgence and happened in the income level i'll we identified

up 41 to reasons so eyes i see that the reason i overindulged as a parent is my reason and zedillo some credit to me that we don't have all 10 days of the three reasons people overindulged over let residents very much part of a person's unmet needs probably part of the failing system is one reason it's complex but always to remember is telling goes on with the gangsters late it. when we started via the research i thought i would like parents who overindulge

as if that they were being an aggressive, i was doing which was not what i intended and we're not all sure that it comes from a wood and that that need on perot hasn't he had the ability to see it and truths to counter act anything sometimes and as we talk about an appearance forever curriculum and this can also happen between parents who are caught parenting and in a variety of different ways that they can play games and and it tends to be a lose situation for michelle child of course an arm some of the different ways is neither been a very long of the dizzying old dad and trinkets and two adults and which is also called character technician and playing hostage neither

preventing the child's possessions to go to the other parents home or preventing the child from going to the other parent's role and i spy in the secret caper is asking that child to spy on the other parent and then come back and report or keeping secrets from the other parent and be a messenger and miss reno is putting a child in the middle and to deliver information whether it's positive and negative information that is a lot for a child to carry it put jones in owen be of this apparent put down the other parent we know how much that can hurt a child because the child was part of all of their parents and has set the tone to an array another one that i think about

to his parents demanding loyalty are absolute must be more willing to meet them together and it grandparents as we know and have talked about some of them can also overhaul she will use in fact that i can't wait to be a grave on a 5 to 1/2 to watch that bothers some chapters in the and not much in and about that so as dean said earlier this can all really come from such a good lovin' part because parents and give it up or give too much because they want their children to be happy on or sometimes it's just to get through the day

is another reason is simply not growing child about an hour i was talking with a high schools from was pretty women and she was lamenting of that her sister in law is trying to scrounge up enough money to buy a laptop for a few who is one year old and a lot and i was helping organize say was: trial and you have liked and that and i school students and

why are you doing that and the mother said 1/2 to all the mother served in the pits with you don't understand its screen time is not good for the brea and cheer about your child of that going hard that contention and paso and the other, choosing of work out which is a revision of alert and in the how much is too much for that reason they have one of them

under a new chapters around pretty and i'm over until overindulgence are there is much more explanation about the research and how to apply what to do about it and seven whole new chapters as a least a couple of them it's available in stores were and it's also not been read them and give it so here's the web sites over and done since let's not make us all indulgence that in full

promise to study and onion and overindulgence to confront somebody ought to be added to an apparent in the age of overindulgence of our online course resents evidence space research for old parents and professionals and in the technology base format is unlike course was developed by a multidisciplinary team of extension educators within the center for family development along with that sheen and and all of whom are at research and knowledge that she brings to the team and the course provides practical crates of parenting tools in reedley doubles situations to parents and influential adults and it's also useful tool for professionals and may be working with fits the goal of this team was to increase. self awareness and to promote self efficacy to make changes to reduce overindulgence in their parent as i said it has also been very helpful

arm for professionals who work with children and families so little bit about this course in how it is organized and it begins worse by learning what is overindulgence begun over some of that today and that'll take you in and of that same direction next on the covers the three types of overindulgence that can occur there than schools for parents to use to identify overindulgence in the course concludes by taking it for some different family scenarios and there are three different topics that use three different age ranges salad is being discussed on a son who research and her team of overindulgence we now know that there are three different types of overindulgence the first rate is too much to this is where parents and that really don't understand the concept of what is enough

of the all of my friends have one so only one year old needs a computer if you really loved we were given two v ok heading from it also over nurturing parents over nurture by overdoing spoiling giving too much attention doing things for children that they can either do for themselves already or should be learning to do for themselves: if you look tired of the afford us your disk already had worked at only two in there are a lot

and allowing children to ping only about themselves and not about others substructure is when parents to the panel's ordinances central's people or when parents shield them from consequences of their behaviors and tillman says that the war and life skills or when parents fail to insist the children consider the impact of their actions on the family that would carry an or the larger society one of the things that helps children do all those things is schoolers and not having chillers not having that insurers means that children go into adulthood without that dc templates

and one is a gentle and know how to do and do it any shoot pritchard your way high 23 role last week was laughing with me about birch warrant washing rapes and separating from the stands when she was three years old when we began offering abortions to own and i said that that was your job and she said and i felt so important and that so this is our church levy and discussed a little bit earlier and according to bomb lying there are four parenting styles and and we have included these are the parents forever curriculum authority of parents are demanding that responsive and they show a action if you use this parenting style you tend to monitor your children to set clear standards for them

are assertive but not interested in is in restricted and you use discipline in a more supportive way the bourse's up trash in type of anarchy autocratic parents which are also known as authoritarian art and the ending but not responsive and if you use this parenting style you reform believer in polls and you have very high expectations of behavior is a lullaby expecting the best from your children and rarely show affection communication with this kind of parenting is often one way from the parent to the child so sometimes it can be overly rigid and harsh and it held apparent kulaks and negative behaviors and one of the things that happens there is on the pier may look a mean

often be doing this because they're scared that children are going into a very strange world one that they'll and so there will also can get more important than what they can learn by listening to the child they think what happens then is again a lot of short term quick fixes that vs. long-term development permissive parents are responsive but not demanding if you approach parenting with this style and show your child a lot of love you give them what they ask for communicate openly and let them do what they want most of the time that trouble setting in enforcing rules would prefer to be friendly way other than the disciplinarian some tension feel like your children have the upper hand and reason you feel that way

as if they do as they do so better understand what these are the children atop the school for over 20 years if i ever said it's in charge of two calls these children said the ad work of engage parents are neither demanding are responsive if your approach parenting with this parenting studying they felt uncomfortable about parenting and this may be because you don't spend much time and your children or because your focus more on walker other interests when you're with your children and in this style of parenting tend to be preoccupied and not focused on them so which parenting style king stabilize itself to overindulgence about it for participants to hide their answer into the check box and send it to the panelists which parenting style do you think owens itself to overindulgence

well i think, as most of you might think and i might as well and assess did come through in the research has been one of the top of it makes sense that authoritarian parents were also overindulge as dean has pointed out earlier that someone said it's in cornwall and although our research and show us in the yen up a ford t heir apparent that balance for the clinic easily happen just through lack of knowledge so i think that's a very good answer think about the matter where we are we're a little weak and the subjects you've fallen into trash bags and going to know what's true and a few tools that can be used to support parents to help them avoid overindulgence of barstool is called the test of four in this is a tool that helps parents and children learn about what is enough

it guides adults and children ford's personal responsibility and self control it encourages clear thinking that and good decision-making of four points here are included in the test of four number one is development does it given the weight of the child learning of developmental tests and if so which wants a second point our resources to say he was a disproportionate amount of family resources monday space tying energy office of one or more of the children and third is who was needs are being that is as more for the parents and for the child or it is possible one visit to treat or in some way her mother's lap 30 environments and or the community webtrends rose scenario gene that mean they include overindulgence and will walk through the tester for take this example is a round hole parenting so i am a single parents

and have my two children during the week dates and the other parent has among the weekends it gives them pretty much anything they want it takes into elaborate and expensive events i can afford those kinds of things so when they are with me to really try to make up for it by giving them a lot of freedom during the week so i'm trying to figure how is this really overindulgence will these are two examples so it still can the party parent i think so does the party parents and in those actions given the weight of the child's learning a developmental task, if we have our participants with a guest renault in the check box if you want a tight been a y if you think it does get in the way above learning the developmental task that would be an expert and the forced a one reason might be that of not having time to figure out how to entertain themselves the entertainment always has to be handed to him

come from the outside are also if his party party and again it means that other things that child one of the man that can order insurers are are just human rights so they don't have that sense for teen us and might miss definitely it might appear the second is resources does it use the disproportionate amount of family resources such as money space time energy focused on one or more the children to do we know the answer to riches of its appeal type in a dancer and all if you want to put in what type of resources that it be used reduction in tight fit in as well sold some sites using up a lot right and i really liked this question cars so good for me when i look it is this active and women doing a similar one overindulging because really only people in the family got lots of reaching it used this one by and large to judge and what has right

is testing for a kansas and called what you really have to do it as my closet, he got some see scrupulously and within ourselves so the next is who is needs are being that would be typed in either parent or child for all its parent. a real let's talk about them enough for me if i'm the party. what does that mean that i'm fulfilling from recent and need to keep my children is seen by begins to keep them busy and could it be because i'm not sure what else to do with what might not that i know what else to do and what else to keep the kids have been teasing his nt the absolutely trying to make yourself feel better about the situation not name the human tragedy of famer gary and many reasons many trees absolutely

but party every weekend with the very hard for us to say that swept 10 weeks because it updates so many things that at one excludes eight so the last is possible harm to sit to plead or in some way harm others property environment would guess formal these type in your thoughts and lives as i was old and getting the ball that two mice were made but this question is about not using harm that child as questions about doesn't harm other people or property or something and environment honor, and someone said it depends on what they're doing regular return at times on what they're doing and celine dion partners test of time and we got my heat and the first question might interfere with the help of tests that we can't really know about the family resources

that that the parents needs are being that nazi u.s. and and possible harm possibly ideas and one worker will rent soloway and we look at the seams if versions from the u.s. and in need of a four and that means it's time to really look at all of some parents are studying the huge system their children older children are wonderful way to his you discuss it together and in some salt together so far and very few will come in and of 10 women and totals are better at teenagers in the summer next to look is the developmental parenting highway in this helps us see where overindulgence kids with other ways of parenting so if a parent can focus on staying in the middle of the world that it will help them avoid a comeback from overindulgence

if they veer off way over to the way for a year off to the left this is also mentioned and discussed in our current online course and will be included in more depth in our next online course and there's also a downloadable fact sheet with more detailed information on the parenting that way as part of the course suggestion circles are the third way to gain and release and tried and true parenting solutions often from other parents would tend to have the best ways to support and to try out several ideas when you're trying to avoid overindulgence and not just one suggestion and you can ask a group of about six people of family or friends for their most helpful ideas for solving your kite solving your problem and be sure to remember that no violence or putdowns are allowed as part of this

and do not let others expand about anyone else's ideas simply say thank you to teach idea then think two is in use an idea if you want them to discuss any idea more in-depth you can do so at a later time and one thing that often happens is when you get those options you start thinking and come up with something you that right suggestion circles can also be done on the folder video chat finds its friends to connect with an e-mail face poker discussion boards and once again find six friends or family members to connect with using one of these methods you can also and use a network are in your community asset service people or coworkers oftentimes these can be the latest suggestion circles and which really are another parenting tool to use to help us stay away from overindulging and distant general stay away from it is if you think you're over

indulging in this statistic for a bit sticky feeling instead of just feeling guilty about it are being undersold don't do that just two months to a nice overindulge and it's here wrongdoing and 2 miles from lax one day at the time you are absolutely so what we'd like to do is ask you the same polling question at this point so in your experience does overindulgence, seldom sometimes are frequently to make steam media and sometimes at 19% frequently at 32% of stay pretty close to the settings are in your old old as the craft and that means people know that more often than they used a jail house one night

when i first started doing as people would say at the end of the workshop was when no idea just so now have an idea straight of the people of culture so we wanted to thank you for being with us today and remember that everybody overindulgence selects all help each other resist doing it into so much for being with us