parenting is hard

hi there - i’m lori petro and you are watchinganother episode of our weekly q&a where i show you how to create teachable moments withyour kids. let me ask you a question: have you ever beenbaffled by your child’s behavior? has it ever left you just absolutely speechless orfuming in anger? i remember when i was a kid – my mother saying to me things like, welli gave you plenty of chances or “well i tried.”as a kid – my takeaway was – well try harder. as an adult now, i understand howfrustrating behavior can be but i also remember feeling really misunderstood. she always tookmy behavior so personally. as a parent, i feel i now have the responsibilityto try harder to understand – to find my

compassion - when my kid is having trouble.but so much traditional parenting tells you to focus on behaviors – pressing parentsto “tell” kids to not do this or that and to “be things” nice respectful, obedient.”i think we need to stop trying to tell kids anything. what we really need is to behavein ways that develop our kids natural capacity for empathy.empathy and self-regulation are the keys to better behavior and those are the two thingsabsent from much of our parent-child interactions. kids so often get blamed for their behaviorbeing the cause of trouble, when really how much of our behavior is contributing to theconflict? kids get judged and labeled as mean and all of that criticism turns the very lessonswe are trying to teach into repeated assaults

on their sense of self-worth.i have done several other videos on behavior and understanding the message and it is becausei cannot stress this point enough. i feel that our biggest problem with eliminatingthe behavior we don’t want is our misunderstanding of what behavior is.here’s an example, i am a sucker for train wreck tv – i’ll watch the scariest realityshows because i find people watching totally fascinating. so i was recently watching thisshow where a young child was disappointed upon hearing that this big new swing thatwas going up in the backyard didn’t have monkey bars. now she didn’t throw fit, sheresponded as if she just heard they were out of her favorite ice cream. and aww, shuckskind of moment. and her dad in response – very

kindly but judgmentally said “how aboutthis… wow this is amazing… and thank you guys – instead of ugh – no monkey bars.because that doesn’t come across as being very nice – it comes across as being veryselfish.” he took what was an honest and valid feelingof disappointment about not having her favorite activity – on her new – obviously grand– playset – and turned it into a “misbehavior.” but what is misbehavior… behavior that doesn’talign with our expectations maybe – but it’s not inherently bad or motivated bysomething that needs to be changed. her age-appropriate behavior was perceivedby her dad to show a lack of gratitude and i think it was dad who really missed – thebehavior.

her face showed how utterly confused she felt.how could this honest question have disappointed dad so much that he called me selfish wasthe look she had on her face. this is certainly going to make her think about her behavior– but not in the ways dad is hoping. she’s more likely to start questioning herself thenext time she is curious about something. the dad was kind and patient, he didn’tscare her or threaten her, but he did weaken his influence by addressing her behavior ratherthan helping her reflect on gratitude which was likely his ultimate goal.so much of our influence gets muddled up with our behavior focused lens. we need to tryharder. and that is what i do here each week. my passionis helping you understand the real purpose

of behavior so you can make long-term changesinstead of seeking short-term compliance. behavior sends a message about how we feeland what we need. your child’s perceived negative behavior represents his immaturityand sometimes feelings that are bottled up, scary or too big for him to handle.reframe your view of behavior from something that needs to be stopped to something thatneeds to be understood. when you address the communication your child is sending - themessage - you can shape behavior faster and more effectively. dig a little deeper in orderto understand what’s really going on inside your child’s head instead of judging whatyou see. instead of criticizing, listen for the cuesthat give you information about your child’s

experience so you can speak directly to thedriving cause. what is this behavior saying? what is it telling you about the situation?i’m asking about the monkey bars because they’re my favorite to play on.i’m crying because i’m feeling sad and impatient.i’m hitting because i’m feeling angry and i need someone to help me.i’m ignoring you because i feel annoyed and unloved and need to be heard.you can judge and label the strategies your kids choose, but that doesn’t help you prepareyour kids to cope in the future. empathy fosters connection and better behavior develops fromthere. your kid’s need for understanding and connection is essential to healthy developmentand not representative of a needy or demanding

child.children are less skilled in verbally expressing themselves and their emotions have the powerto easily overtake their thinking, constricting their perspective rendering them unable totake appropriate action. connect with the feeling state to change the behavior.try this out with your kids this week. what behaviors can you think of right now thatare persistent and challenging for you? can you see beyond the behavior (or strategy)to the problem your child is expressing? what is your child’s behavior trying to tellyou? instead of focusing on the behavior – can you reframe it though a lens of empathy?i’d love to hear your stories, so leave a comment and share them on the blog becauseyou never know when your story might just

be the inspiration someone else needs to makethe changes they were looking for. and did you like this video because if youdid, i’d love it if you would share it with

a friend or on your favorite social mediasite because when you share the love the love spreads.and if you want more tips and tools like this, be sure to subscribe for weekly updates orright here on your tube. thank you so much for watching, until next time, please rememberit’s about consciousness not perfection.