parenting center

hey everyone! how are you? this week i am in the middle of moving, thusthe background but i'd like to talk about something that happened in my life and sharehow i learned from it. so if you feel that in your life in any wayyou are being affected by the decisions your parents made, maybe they are no longer together,i want to talk about some of the lessons i learned from my parents relationship afterthey separated. i decided i wanted to observe their journeywith detachment and learn from their mistakes. if you are someone who is going through parentsseparation, divorce, or any instability by

dysfunctional cycles and behaviors of thingsthat you observe that you are having a hard time dealing with i want to share some tipson how to cope in a healthy resilient way, so stay tuned! so this week i was very inspired to just reflecton my parents experiences and this has allowed me to see them with compassion and understandingwhere they are instead of condemning them, judging them, or retaining anger. i feel i can forgive them while understandinghow everything happened. my parents had me when they were too youngand had a big gap in age, so the risks of starting a family too young as it they didis that they did not have strong foundations

on their lives of values and a clear visionof what they wanted. they still had not matured and this adds toinstability in the relationships and as a result it is transmitted to the children. there is also a lot of dysfuction becausethe person as an individual has not fully developed and does not have a strong senseof knowing what they want in their own life which ends up conflicting over and over againwith now having a family. because now they have to be responsible forstarting a family. the problem with starting a family so young(with exceptions there are individuals who are more resilient and mature at a young age)you still haven't had your own needs met,

you are still trying to figure out and thereare experiences that are part of being young and part of that age that they want to experiencebut now it conflicts with having a family like being young, going out, and do thingscreating resistance to be now the 'adult' you have to be because you have a family. also the problem with starting a family tooyoung is that your maturity level is different and there is nothing wrong with that, we allcan only develop it with time, experience comes with time, and there is no way we canskip this process. yes, some people do mature quicker than othersand there are many things that could play a role in that (parents, environment, theperson is more resilient) many factors.

for example, you can see this easily whenyou read an old journal. you think to yourself "i can't believe i wrotethat, that is so immature" or you feel like it is not you. but that insight only comes with time andawareness. there are phases in our lives like the earthhas seasons, the earth doesn't suddenly change to a different season it starts with a lightrain in the summer and then gradually colder. so we are the same, we have our own seasons,themes. if you are someone who is a parent already,one of the biggests gifts you can give your children is to make them feel safe, make themfeel the deserve your love, they don't have

to be, do, or have to be accepted. that they are loved unconditionally. if they are behaving in a way that is notright, condemn the behavior but not your child, don't make them feel like they are 'bad' butmake the clear difference between the behavior is what you condemned as bad but not themand you still love them. keep in mind too that when you have conflictsin your relationship to not put your children in the middle of it, don't force them to takea side, don't talk bad about your partner to your children, don't pressure the oldestkid or any of your kids to have the solution to keep the family together, don't pressurethem to hold the family together, one of my

experiences was that my dad used to put thepressure on me because my mom would 'listen' to me so he would tell me "you have to bringher back, she has to come back" and that made me feel responsible of keeping the unity inthe family. keep in mind that it is the parents responsibilityand don't put the burden in you of fixing the dysfunction or fixing their relationshipall you have to be responsible for your own relationship with each parent individuallyand independent. if you are a parent who is watching this videoand you have made mistakes (like we are all going to make it is part of this life's journey)and your child has experience as a result major traumas or things you regret they hadto experience because of you the worst thing

you can do is shut the door on them and getdefensive and put a wall and make it something that is unspeakable. the best thing you can do is not to closethe door to those uncomfortable conversations and maybe it makes you angry to hear whathappened to your child, but at the end what you child craives and deserves (because weare aware that there are events that are unfixable because we can't go to the past) is validation. your children are seeking validation, notto bash you, judge you, point out your mistakes, otherwise it will grow anger and resentment. the way you can validate your child traumasis to acknowledge the events, acknowledge

what happened , and let them know that youhear them and that knowing what you know now you would of never allowed such things tohappen and thus you are sorry. this is what hurts a lot of children as theybecome adutls, keeping these events are not talked about, creating more dysfunction, pain,and resentment. be careful too of creating stories in yourhead to justify what happened. all you have to do is to listen and acknowledgethat it happened. i love esther hichs message on contrasts inour lives. contrast in our lives teach us desires, whenwe experience painful things thing that we

don't want we sometimes feel like victimsand anger because they happened to us, but if you reframe the way you see your experiencesas things that taught you what you don't want to be, do, or repeat when you have your ownfamily then you have transformed all of these hurts and pains in serving a purpose. so if your parents had dysfunctional patternsjust see them as lessons. make them your greatest teachers. something i heard wayne dyer say about hisown father who abandoned him as a toddler to drink alcohol. write down the lessons you are taking awayand if you are going through it right now

write it down. "i never want to make my children feel thisway" so you can revisit it later. sometimes it is so easy to forget things thatare important or were important for us. don't suppress or repress your emotions. don't cover them with positivism. acknowledge what you are going through. if you don't have one of your parents or both. sometimes it make us feel sad about ourselves. what you can do is for example, if you don'thave your mom with you, instead of waiting

for that day that she decides to come backto your life which with love i'm here to tell you, that day might never happen. it is one of those harsh truths that as soonas we face we are set free. instead of waiting for your parents to besomething that we wish they were and end up romanticizing them, accept them as who theyare and be the mother or father for your inner child who lives within you as a energy, youcan mother yourself, love yourself, mother that inner-child within you, and you can evenvisualize your inner-child and you can treat yourself as a mother, you can rock yourself,soothe yourself with that motherly love that you so much desire.

one of the things that allowed me to forgivemy parents was coming to the realization after asking them out of curiousity, trying to understandthem, where they come from, how they were raised, how their own parents treat them,talk to them, deal with struggles, i realized that it had to do with generations of dysfunctionalitypassed down, inherited, if you think about it. which i am making a video to discuss thismore in depth where i will discuss "conditioning", so part 2 to come, what will allow you toforgive and move forward, because forgiveness is something we dont just do and its overit is something we have to constantly practice, and just holding the intetion can make ithappen, but if you can't forgive it will at

least help you to stop holding that grip sotight and hard, then one day you will forgive and little by little you will stop holdingthat grip and start releasing it. what i found with my parents is that theyare a result of their parents. their parents where a result of their parents. so now, when i see my parents even when i'mangry at them , or they do something they shouldn't do for example, i visualize themas that little kid, when they were a kid, as that little kid allowing me to see themwith compassion and seeing that they are that littlekid inside still hurting and product of their live experiences and childhood.

i was able to see that it is not their fauljust like me, and i can see how they did the best with what they had and they did the bestwith the knowledge they had. so the best gift you can give yourself andyour children as a legacy is the gift of resilience, to learn coping skills, to learn cognitivetherapies, to learn how to empower yourself, and be proactive knowing that we are all awork in progress and embrace progress and not perfection. one little step everyday will allow you tohave shifts of awareness and that is a miracle! so i hope this video helps you and inspiresyou. let cut the dysfunctionality in our generation.

for example, i know some members of my familyhave done horrendous things but i see it as a lesson of something i will not do to myown children or their children. we can do that, sending you love and light,and remember it is never too late to change

the story of our lives. don't forget i offer free resources for whichyou can find the links below. if you want to learn more about my programsvisit bossofmyfeelings.com for more emotional intelligence tools