everyone thinks kids are awesome, but parents know the truth. kids are total dicks. babies may seem cute, but they're actually the worst. they sh*t little pouches. they cry constantly. they can't even walk or talk for a whole f**king year. it's like playing the most boring game of charades, except you're never gonna win. (ok. three words. um, first word...) think you can be a parent? one baby can burn through 5,000 diapers in under three years. guess who gets to clean that up? thats $1,200 and 166 hours spent on baby poo. with that time and money, you could master archery. you like sleep? then don't have a f**king kid. first two years, parents can expect to lose 730 hours of sleep. (ugh! stop it!) that's 30 days of your life you're never ever gonna get back. you're gonna look like sh*t, and you're gonna feel like sh*t.
*valley girl voice* but anything for love right? obviously you can't put a price tag on love. but lets say you had to by the time your kid is 18, you'll have spent an estimated $240,000. do you know what you could buy with that money? *money burning* a boat? probably. *fire extinguisher sprays*. maybe a couple boats? i don't know. and that's before college tuition. and guess what? college is just the beginning. 59% of adults, age 18 to 39, are still financially dependent upon their parents in some capacity. all that and little johnny couldn't be bothered to buy you g*d damed flowers for your g*d damned birthday? what a dick!
so kids, be grateful to your parents. it's a miracle they've put up with your shit for this long.
and parents, you're amazing. thank you. we seriously don't deserve it. *cheery, upbeat music*
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